Je suis desolee... Pardon moi.

I am sorry and pardon me.... SO useful. My French improves everyday. I have found a new friend named Hummy. She lives two doors down from me and is in the same program as me. I enjoy getting to know her, as every English conversation with any resemblence of things I know from the U.S. feels like a small bit of home. This morning we did lots of tourist things, Notre Dome, The Eiffel Tower, Bastille etc.... Notre Dame was my favorite. They were in the middle of mass and there was something touching and sad about the whole thing. It made my eyes water. The cathedral no longer belongs to the church but the state, so while they are still permitted to conduct mass, tourist are circulating around the outer part taking pictures and talking...so strange. All I could think was how this building left me speechless with its beauty, but how the whole reason it was that way was because of a corrupt church many years ago, built a treasury off of people's fears of being damned to hell and prayers that had to be paid for. The Eiffel tower is everything I wanted it to be. It didn't matter how many times I had seen it on a movie or in a picture; it is one of the most romantic things I have ever seen. I am waiting to go see it at night and am holding out riding to the top for right now. My classes start on Tuesday at the Sorbonne, which is a latin language school affiliated with the University of Paris. My sleeping is still not so on track. It doesn't get dark here until ten o'clock in the pm. I am overwhelmed with how many different kinds of people gather in Paris. I love love love it. I miss all of you and feel the love and prayers that cover me so well. Bon soiree!

Getting Lost in Paris...

No but really... I am not so much talking about the Romantic languages beautifully flowing out of every French person's mouth or the culture that encourages drinking before noon, but more so how I walked around completely lost for an hour and a half this morning. You just have to laugh. I don't so much mind being lost because I always find amazing things that I otherwise wouldn't of (like this French bulldog sitting on a chair across from his owner at a cafe). I giggled out loud. There were little girls being silly and playing little hand clapping games on the metro this morning and it took everything in me to not take their picture. I fought my inner urge and opted to not take the risk of being a creepy American who was taking pictures of little French children. My apartment is in a happening part of Paris. The nightlife is so intense I am a little confused as to how they have a Day life? I love experiencing God in places unknown to me. I have this thought often: All of these people have existed in this place called Paris, that until now, I had only heard about in a way that looks different than many of my good southern spiritual prescriptions that I have adhered to my entire life. Our God is one of beauty, diversity, and mysteriousness. It is interesting what loving these people looks like as my French is somewhat limited. 1 John 3: 18 comes to mind when he says, "Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. This then is how we know that we belong to the truth." This takes on a new literal meaning when my words are few. However a simple smile and "Bonjour" does get one pretty far here. I have found the French people that I have encountered thus far to be kind and endearing in a way that makes me want to understand and appreciate the meaning of enjoying TODAY. They seem to love and play well. Last night I sat outside of a cafe and delighted in a wonderful dinner. Scott and Todd you would be proud; I ordered beef. I asked the server what he recommended and it was delicious. There was a crisp light breeze that resembled we Texans late October. There was a table of probably twenty French students celebrating one of the girl's birthdays, and I was silently thanking the Lord for letting be observe the sweet scene. The restaurant owner turned out the lights and brought out a cake with sparklers as they all sang and raised their glasses. The owner seemed to know most of the people there. He would greet people that entered by name and was one of the most outwardly inviting people I have been around in a long time. My studio apartment is perfect. It is tiny and efficient. Air conditioning is non-existent in Paris but the nights are cool enough that it isn't necessary. I woke up this morning with sunlight pouring into my room through the open window and it literally made me start praising Jesus out loud. He is breathtaking. I feel small and hidden in this magical city full of a language I am not proficient in and a people that don't and don't care to know me. It is exhilarating. Ironically enough one of the only places that has WIFI is Mc DO (McDonald's) and for the first time ever I was grateful to see the golden M that provided me with internet access and Coca Light (diet coke).

a little hope. see ... it's growing.

a little hope. see ... it's growing., originally uploaded by ephesians3kh2.

There is something that has happened in my life: before I was twenty, before I had trouble sleeping, before love had ever been broken. Like your first taste of pain that comes with the loss of a great love, or your first real bout with failure. I use to cling to the understanding that God's goodness was the manifestation of a million comfortable pieces that rested near my feet. This carried me through most of my child hood (the formative years) right into my younger adolescent days. It wasn't that the things I called "blessing" weren't necessarily, but my understanding of who God was and the worship I could offer him was all very limited, and very me centered. And so it is, a young girl's eyes start to see the world, parts of it she never wanted to see, parts that were dark, parts that were sick, parts that made her cry. How could this be, her God was good? Surely the same God that put fruit roll ups in her lunch box and let her win a ribbon on field day would spare some "blessings" for those other kids? Well, of course the Lord, through a gradual refining process that has truly utilized and lived in the grace that the cross holds up in my defense, redefined his GOODNESS. He is good because He is perfect. He is good because of the cross. If I never got to speak to him or even speak his name He would still be most worthy of my praise. He is good without any thing I call good. And yet HE is even more than that. He is my most intimate confidant, a friend, a Father to the fatherless, and a love that knows no breaking condition. He gives me the greatest gift of all. He gives me hope. He gives me hope when there is no fruit roll up in my lunch box and when I come in last place at the field day race. He gives me hope that has nothing to do with temporal things. He gives me hope through the gift and promise of His son. Too good to be true. This is liberating and not a new understanding of who I have come to know Him in the last few years, but it sure does feel good to get lost in it for a while.
So where does one stand when hope and reality collide? We don't have to wait for the dawn to break, for the storm to pass, or for our words to come out right. We hope in the Lord and we trust that he wouldn't waste the cross in any situation. This is how we walk confidently; this is how we move forward. This is how when we don't have eyes to see, we still have feet that take steps (even if they're small). There is something to knowing. There is a peace that settles deep within our souls when fear and insecurity have been replaced with hope. Hope is like a green pasture that invites one to come run and play. Hope doesn't take away desire or wonder, if anything it only stirs that which is within us. And when our desires and wants go unmet we still have joyous hope in the salvation of the Lord. That is what we know, and it is enough to keep us coming back for more. It is what drives out our fears. It is what allows a heart with scars to open again after it swore it never would. It allows us to make mistakes and humbly receive grace. It gives us the courage to say the words that we would rather tuck away and hide, words that unravel our hearts and expose our inmost feelings. It is what holds our hand down the road of grief of losing people before we were ready, no matter how deeply the pain seems to have penetrated. In the water knee deep all the way to the depths of our hearts, the places we dare not go… there hope is: Living, Inviting, Challenging, Waiting, and Wanting us to live again.

Unbroken

"Something quite unexpected has happened. It came this morning early. For various reasons, not in themselves at all mysterious, my heart was lighter than it had been for many weeks. For one thing, I suppose I am recovering physically from a good deal of mere exhaustion. And I’d had a very tiring but very healthy twelve hours the day before, and a sounder night’s sleep; and after ten days of low-hung grey skies and motionless warm dampness, the sun was shining and there was a light breeze. And suddenly at the very moment when, so far, I mourned H. least, I remembered best. Indeed it was something (almost) better than memory; an instantaneous, unanswerable impression. To say it was like a meeting would be going too far. Yet there was that in it which tempts one to use those words. It was as if the lifting of the sorrow removed a barrier."
-C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

I truly feel like I have grown up about ten years in the last two. The last couple of years have consisted of much loss and much gain. Some of us have lost great loves and while still wrapping up the wounds from the last seemingly lost battle, been thrown into new quests for love. My family lost a great man, a husband, a father, a most loyal friend, but have gained an understanding of our God who purposes these trials for his glory, a deeper appreciation for each other, and an eternal perspective that leaves no room for foolish complaining. We have and continue to learn what joy in the midst of trials looks like and how to give thanks in ALL circumstances. There has been much lost but much more gained. I say that there has been more gained because I know that so much of the Lord’s work he has and continues to do cannot be seen by my human eyes. Amazing. Sometimes I still feel so lost in it all: lost in the pain, lost in the longing for his holding embrace, and lost in the memory of the way he smelled of clean soap, starched work shirts, and cologne. Though I feel lost at times I rest in the reality that I am always found. I am found by a God that isn’t afraid of my feelings, no matter how dismal and dark they may be. I am found by a ‘great cloud of witnesses’ that surround me, love me, pray for me, carry me, and walk out into the mud where I got stuck and if they can’t get me out of it they sit down in it with me. All that to say my heart is actually lighter. After expecting Christmas to be unbearable and being surprised by joy and the Lord’s blessing of a new season for my heart, I returned to school feeling lighter than I had for over a year and a half. PRAISE THE LORD… I weep with joy that the Lord heard my cry. I wish you all could have seen how bad it felt. (Not really because I am not one of those cute little criers , my nose gets snotty and my face turns really red and well it is just bad trust me.) Anyways I woke up Monday morning the week before I came home for Christmas and just wept in my floor, BEGGING the Lord to move me from the intense sadness that had seemingly taken up permanent residency in my heart. I wanted so badly not to forget my daddy, but to be able to think of him without falling into the throws of an emotional breakdown. The only words I could muster up and offer to the Lord were, “I can’t stay here anymore. I know I have said and thought that before but Lord really, you have to move me.” And he did. It may have been arrogant to tell God that but it was honest or maybe it was him bringing me to the lowest point and a mutual acknowledgement of how I felt and his knowledge of His own character; he knew he was going to move me to a new place that day. So I would still say that this new place is where I am. Is this my forever now? I don’t know about tomorrow, but I am rejoicing in what is today. Textbooks and formulas break grieving up into stages, and while there may be some truth to that, I refuse to see my dealing with my dad’s departure in terms of a twelve- step program. In my heart these methods are constraints that cheapen this experience and what the Lord is doing (that is just me though…) I feel like the blind man who when Jesus wiped his eyes with mud, was given his sight. I am seeing everything for the first time. I am like a grateful heart on overload. I probably scare some people because my heart cannot help but tell people in detail the greatness that they are. I want everyone to know and feel loved by God. I am unworthy of each new day he gives me and the gift of love he lavishes on me through so many people and simple blessings around me…. A fluffy blanket, a living word from the Lord this morning, a good night’s sleep with a lazy Saturday, a delightful meal with the Hix family, a new pot of coffee from Katie (muffin), a glass of wine and a peaceful porch evening with the Polings, watching Meredith (four year old neighbor) loose her first tooth and anticipate the tooth fairy, feeling pain which tells me that I am really alive, an entire weekend with my family and close friends, an overdue phone conversation with Ginger Vassar, and the list could literally go on forever. When Moses was leading the Israelites to the Promise land they complained of hunger and the Lord gave them manna every single morning and quail in the evening. He told them not take more than they needed for each day. That is it… manna for today. Lord, you are good and manna for today is more than enough. You are our portion and we will hope and wait on you alone.

“The Lord is good to those whose hope him, to the one who seeks him; it is good wait quietly on the salvation of the Lord.” - Lamentations 3:25-26

The excerpts on this page are from a book called A Grief Observed, and was written by C.S. Lewis when his wife, Joy (H. in the book) died of cancer. These are his personal accounts with this thing called grief. I have found much comfort in his thoughts and feelings.
"I think I am beginning to understand why grief feels like suspense. It comes from the frustration of so many impulses that had become habitual. Thought after thought, feeling after feeling, action after action, had H. for their object. Now their target is gone. I keep on through habit fitting an arrow to the string; then I remember and have to lay the bow down. So many roads lead thought to H. I set out on one of them. But now there’s an impassable frontier-post across it. So many roads once; now so many culs de sac." -C.S. Lewis

Hooper family updates…
Todd: CONGRATULATIONS to him… he passed the second part of the CPA exam. He has worked and studied so hard. He is getting a much firmer grasp on how things are done at the firm and creates a hopefully healthy competitive rivalry with Scott? You two be nice to each other.
Scott: SCOTT IS DOING GREAT. It has been fun to watch him take on life with such vigor and passion. He is really coming into his own, a natural born leader. He takes care of me so well. Pray for both he and Todd (Carrie and Linda also) as tax season is in full swing… APRIL 15th is almost here!!! Please pray for diligence and sanity for all of them!
Margie (Marmi): She is actually in Mexico with about 15 of her sorority sisters this weekend! She is doing so well and still enjoying work. Continue to pray for her as life still doesn’t feel completely adjusted. I love you marmi a million sweedish fish.
Me: I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. After a lot of praying and searching it looks like I am not going to New York, not yet anyways. I will be finishing school in August and then moving to Dallas. Right now I am finishing up this semester, taking a Maymester in Dallas, Summer one in College Station, Paris-France for Summer two and then a diploma…hopefully ☺ hehehee…. I am looking for jobs right now and waiting. I just want to be obedient and trust in the Lord’s faithfulness.

***We love you all. I apologize that it has been so long since I have taken the time to sit and write. May the Lord bless you and lavish you with His goodness…. Love love.

11 months and the 2nd

Can you believe it? I cannot. Today is the second, a number that will mark as a reminder of my new reality as long as I am drawing breath on this earth. This song has become an anthem in my room and the confession of my heart. It is a song by Nicole Nordeman. I pray that it would bless you as it often blesses me.

Gratitude

Send some rain, would You send some rain?
'Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again
And the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade
Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud?
Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down

Surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid
But maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case ...

We'll give thanks to You with gratitude
For lessons learned in how to thirst for You
How to bless the very sun that warms our face
If You never send us rain

Daily bread, give us daily bread
Bless our bodies, keep our children fed
Fill our cups, then fill them up again tonight
Wrap us up and warm us through
Tucked away beneath our sturdy roofs
Let us slumber safe from danger's view this time
Or maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case ...

We'll give thanks to You with gratitude
A lesson learned to hunger after You
That a starry sky offers a better view
If no roof is overhead
And if we never taste that bread

Oh, the differences that often are between
Everything we want and what we really need

So grant us peace, Jesus, grant us peace
Move our hearts to hear a single beat
Between alibis and enemies tonight
Or maybe not, not today
Peace might be another world away
And if that's the case ...

We'll give thanks to You with gratitude
For lessons learned in how to trust in You
That we are blessd beyond what we could ever dream
In abundance or in need
And if You never grant us peace ...

But, Jesus, would You please ...

The family

The family, originally uploaded by ephesians3kh2.

One more time for the cheap seats in the back. I am about to embark on the last semester I will be spending in College Station. It is amazing how time just keeps on ticking. I am sitting on a plane right now headed back from New York. I just spent a long weekend in the city with the Vassars. They are some of my favorites in my faith family. They just feel like a little piece of home. The trip was mixed with a lot of old friends and some weather that is mostly foreign to my Texas roots. I woke up this morning and the city was covered with a blanket of snow. I was silenced by the white majesty. The city even seemed quieter, as though the snow muffled some of the honking taxi’s and often offensive language that seems to be on every corner out of even young kid’s mouths. I found quite a bit of solitude in the city that never sleeps. Maybe it was because I had to fight fiercely to find or feel it at all. With the cause not completely known, in this great pursuit I found more rest for my soul than I have felt than most of my break being at home. Interesting. Or maybe it was that there was nothing all that familiar to cling to other than our God? When I am home it is easy and accessible to often reach for virtuous things or people around me rather than the Lord. In my silent moment today I was overwhelmed with truth. I need to listen more. I need to stop asking the Lord to “Show me, show me, show me!” long enough to hear him answer me. Sometimes our God speaks with fire and yet other times it is a gentle whisper. My loud voice definitely has been drowning out God’s steadfast whisper. It is amazing how I can even make my prayer life about me. And by amazing I mean sickening. He is kind to show His self and shed some much needed grace to a very selfish me. New York is an amazing place, full of all kinds of people. I think I thrive in this environment because I am forced to look beyond my safe white suburb and into lives of real people that are different from me, all loved by God, all uniquely beautiful in there own way. That was the other thing about the snow. It covers everything. It made all of the streets look the same. I couldn’t help but think that Jesus’ blood must do something similar. I couldn’t even tell which streets were nicer than the others, which ones had more restaurants or more business. Nope, they all just looked the same… clean, covered, and white.

Merry CHRISTmas

OH MY! It has been far too long. All I can say is that our God is one faithful God. He is both provisional and kind. He has taken care of me in about a million different ways. I came into the break with a sad heart, one expecting the holidays to be more melancholy than merry. I have been surprised by joy and happiness this CHRISTmas season. Thank you for you prayers and for loving my family so steadfastly. I have found myself just sitting and thinking and even sometimes saying out loud, "I am so grateful to be a believer, to be apart of this family of great faith and sincere love." I am humbled by God's goodness and strengthened by the prayers that cover my entire household. I am going to play now but I WILL write more soon and post pictures! LOVE LOVE LOVE you all!

over my head and under my feet

Todd & Scott, originally uploaded by ephesians3kh2.

Psalm 106:1 “Give thanks to the Lord for HE IS GOOD, his love endures forever.”

I have been nothing short of miserable to be around this week. Our house is still under the nightmare that is actually called remodeling and my exhausted mom asked me to help clean and arrange things. Those of you, who know me, know that I am obsessed with cleaning. I am compulsive and fully aware that my behavior is probably symptomatic of some deeper heart issue to be discussed at a later time. I think it is the immediate satisfaction and results you get from cleaning. It is visibly messy and you can clean until it is perfectly spotless, pat yourself on the back and enjoy the work of your hands. All of that superfluous information was to explain why my attitude was unnecessary and surprising. I was picking things up and moving from room to room getting more frustrated and sincerely angry with every passing moment and wipe of a counter. I did what I said I would do and even more but I missed the whole point. I was giving my mom much UNNEEDED attitude and at the end of the day when I laid my head down on my pillow all I could think about was how sad the day had been. I am sad. Thanksgiving was fine. Fine and different. We had our dinner on Wednesday instead of Thursday and then my mom and I went to the Cowboy’s game with the Flemings (love you Flemings) and the boys went on to the deer lease. A beautiful distraction, which only prolonged and wrote out how my life is not the same as it was last year. I was sifting through the millions of thoughts that quickly spun a web that I got stuck in. As little tears spilt onto my pillow I finally saw the day for what it could have been. It could have been a day to bless my mom and to be a joy and place of sweet relief from the millions of things that have been plaguing her of late. I could have acknowledged that maybe SHE was having a difficult time this week. She cleaned out my dad’s closet and I couldn’t bring myself to see what she kept and what she decided to give to good will. Not yet. It is all just so seemingly final and permanent. So the short of the really long is that I all to often can’t see outside of myself to make the switch from burden to blessing. I know the importance of allowing myself to feel whatever honest emotion creeps in at that exact moment but sometimes those emotions are crippling and hard to do life with. I am sure there is some perfect balance, not an either or but rather both, feeling lots and living lots. At the end of the day I just had to tell the Lord that I wasn’t enough and that I trust that his grace is sufficient for my mom, just like it is for me. I prayed that he would carry her and bless her because I knew I hadn’t. I am not saying that it is my job or that I am even capable of healing my mom’s heart, I know that I am not. I am saying that I was disobedient to the Lord today and befriended my selfish flesh instead of my selfless spirit. I just feel so broken and lost in it all. I have felt this way before and I reminded and comforted in how our God knows nothing but faithfulness and goodness. He is constant and his perfect love will sustain me and drive out my every fear. I just need him tonight. I am restless and can’t sleep. I am driving back to school in the morning and will be spending time with my good friend…..45 south. Our time together often looks like me crying and it remains silent. It doesn’t have a voice but it manages to push all of my buttons. I want to hurt this road, like stomp on it or something, but I would only get more frustrated at how unaffected and unconcerned it is with my fragile heart and exposed weakness. The road wouldn’t respond to my rage and this would only frustrate me more. Have you ever known someone that speaks to non-living objects? Well if not, hi my name is Kim. Now you have. And in some twisted way this feels good, to scream at the cement beneath me. Make sense of it….and let me know.

The boys are doing well. Scott shot a huge deer this week and Todd sat last Tuesday for the first part of his CPA. They enjoyed their time away from the office. I am so proud of you two and I love you this much (I just stretched my arms out, no I really did.) I love you little family, blessed to do life with you each and undeserving of your sweet love that covers me like a blanket. XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOOXXOXOXO

Loving Loss

Loving Loss
Caleb Carruth

"too good for me
our conversations weren't enough
shallow smile painted words and my selfish motives
passed my flawed defenses
a trial by fire

someday I will be free
and I know that this pain won't last forever
for it all will be a memory

I used to think I was deep
while staring into my shallow ends
the ends that justified my means
but I know I'm just like the others
falling when near the water

here I come to your feet and as I am my God save me

enter season's change another love is lost
and with the leaving of the weather's wind
another fragrance gone when will it end

but alas I love the loss"

What can I say? I look all around me and I am quickly sobered. A pastor dieing in the middle of a baptism in front of 800 people, an aunt in ICU, a little boy who is battling a “tummy bug” that we call cancer (http://www.connorcruse.com) and the list goes on…Right now as you read this, there is probably a running list that is forming in your own mind of all the ‘stuff’ and people that you know of who are in hospitals and valleys. And yet we claim our God is good? Why? How? Because HE IS. I was running this morning and the Lord and I were talking. I was telling him that it doesn’t feel like eight months since my dad went to be with him. Eight months is still just an arms length away and the reality that eight months and five days ago I was sitting in a hospital room doing a cross word puzzle and watching a movie curled up in his bed with him is ever so real. Are we really that mortal? One second I am here and have a pulse and the next I could be returning to the dust that I ultimately came from. And still, he makes my life of value and significance IN HIM. With him I have the privilege of being apart of something bigger than myself, bigger than death. And he also brought It to my attention today that if I hadn’t tasted pain on this earth then I wouldn’t long for my eternal home like I do now, just like if I hadn’t come to grips with my inadequacies then I wouldn’t find myself begging him to do a work in my heart. I can’t but HE can (AND IS), I am nothing and he is more than enough. My cup is empty, not a drop to be found, but HIS overflows and fills mine. Everyday the depraved and wayward human I am, needs to be reminded of how disposable and futile my day will be if it isn’t spent investing in eternal things, things unseen, if it isn’t spent seeking Him. O God, save me from myself.

MORE THAN CONQUERORS (if you have some extra time today read Romans 8 but here is just a small exert, this spoke much needed truth into this week for me….)

Romans 8: 28-38
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called, those he called he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified. What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all-how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justified. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died-MORE THAN THAT, who was raised to life-is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: “For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.” NO IN ALL THESE THINGS WE ARE MORE THAN CONQUERORS THROUGH HIM WHO LOVED US. FOR I AM CONVINCED THAT NEITHER DEATH NOR LIFE, NEITHER ANGELS NOR DEMONS, NEITHER THE PRESENT NOR THE FUTURE, NOR ANY POWERS, NEITHER HEIGHT NOR DEPTH, NOR ANYTHING ELSE IN ALL CREATION, WILL BE ABLE TO SERPARATE US FROM THE LOVE OF GOD THAT IS IN CHRIST JESUS OUR LORD.”

SSG

my girls, originally uploaded by ephesians3kh2.

All it took was about five short minutes for me to find a comfort that only comes in the midst of old friends. Melissa Reyes and Meredith Carmichael are two of my roommates from last year. Melissa is all grown up (Melissa I have a smirk on my face as I say that) and in the working world and Meredith is finishing up her last year of college. Meredith and I crashed her parents Astro’s party with full intentions of leaving but we were having so much fun we forewent the plans of leaving and partook in the adult evening! Meredith and I got to share sweet time in the car on the way back and forth, and with Melissa’s insightful question came a million tears that I apparently had been saving just for her. All in all it was a perfect evening…. There was a lot of laughing, some overdue tears, a ceremony that required us to burn artifacts of life past and rich conversation that lingered into the wee hours of the morning. When I see Melissa and Meredith, I don’t merely see a graduated working girl and an old roommate. I look just below the surface, and I find that they are the same sweet girls that they always have been, back when we shared a refrigerator, a mailbox, and a porch swing. I love you two so very much. Thanks for being such special and irreplaceable friends in my life.

Alive

my favorite picture
Originally uploaded by ephesians3kh2.

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13


A far away friend sent me a song, unknowing of the the tender place my heart has rested today. I listened to it and then I listened to it again… and then again. Basically I have been feeling inadequate and frustrated all week because of a test I took and wasn't ready for, because of time I wish I had to spend with people rather than my books (not Harry Potter or The Chronicles of Narnia- but text books), with a heart that might be the definition of divided because I feel the need to fill a role within my family that is hard to do being geographically located in College Station and the ever so fun circular process of not feeling like I am enough, not having enough time in the day to do all of the things on my list of things to do only to discover that I am in fact NOT enough, leading me right back to my knees asking God to be all of the things I cannot, was not and never will be. All of that to say I came back to a starting point tonight that entailed the Lord essentially screaming the message "accept that which is real because even though parts of it will hurt I KNOW NOTHING BUT GOODNESS or choose to go through the motions and miss out on my glory, reality, and the work I long to do in your heart." The Lord presented me with these two choices a long time ago, when my dad was still here and I was taking a full load of school and somehow spending four out of the seven nights of the week at home in Rockwall by his bed or in his hospital room. I wanted to brave the storm on my own not burdening those around me, to appear strong and all together. Well, I am literally grinning as I write this because the Lord knew it would only be a matter of time before I met my breaking point and would fall to my face in total and complete desperation. We all have a breaking point. My knees are what I fell on, in a puddle of grace is where I landed, and it would be in this puddle that I would find my sanity and peace of mind. This puddle of grace would be my home and only hope. I am still in the puddle and sometimes I try to stand up on my own, dry myself off and walk away but I always end up back there. I thought I had loved so purposefully and I thought that I valued people and relationships. I thought I knew what true happiness was and I thought I had tasted, for the most part, the depths of how capable I was of loving others. I thought wrong. It wasn't t until the Lord ripped what I called sacred out of my hands right in front of me, that I was woken up to the reality of life, true love, and choosing to see what the Lord was really doing instead of trying to fit His will into My agenda. This was the subtle difference of choosing the eternal (Him) over the temporal (Me and my best laid plans). I could go through the motions and keep busy, and choose to be blind. In this way of living and self-preservation I won't be as susceptible to being hurt and I won’t be as effected by the stuff that wounds us and then leaves remnants behind of relentless pain like fallen debris in the aftermath of a violent storm. I might acquire earthly wealth and I might like that stuff. Some call this way of living wise...(if one never plays the game, then one never is at risk of being exposed as a failure) and others call it safe . I call it numb and void of true meaning. I call it cowardly, and a life that does not involve risk and vulnerability is not the life that Christ lived or died for. Am I glad that my dad isn't here? Of course not because I am a selfish human who would want to withhold heaven from him so he could be with me a little longer but I am glad that he is truly living and dwelling in a body that is no longer sick. I am also glad that in the hardest time of my life the Lord gave me the privilege of seeing life for what it really is, to show me how to live and not just go through the motions because I am frozen with fear like a nail in a wall or even worst am just so selfish that I can'’t live for anything else but my own selfish ambitions and vain conceits, for the opportunity to play an irreplaceable role in a story infinitely greater than myself. A privileged time indeed. Isn't he real? Isn't our home an eternal one? Am I taking any of this crap that promises to fill but really only leaves me less satisfied with me? Would I really rather not be transparent so people “think" I have it all together, all the while I am slowly dieing on the inside? Would I really choose not to love because the more I let someone in, the greater I will feel their absence if they choose to leave? Would I rather not let someone into my heart because upon seeing what is really going on inside of me they might pack up their bags and walk right back out? Oh the lies Satan spews and the lies we so quickly swallow. I choose to feel. I choose to feel a pain that has literally made me throw up, a pain that reached parts of my core that I never knew existed, a pain that doesn't always allow my fatigued body to physically rest. Because this pain comes with a glorious juxtaposition that makes it all worth it. The pain comes with a love that is so pure, so powerful, and scarily real. This kind of love I speak of never fails, and in it's perfection drives away all of my fears. This love is greater than the pain and far outweighs any suffering I have tasted. I see people now and I want to see their souls. I want to see what makes them tick and what is lurking just under the surface that plagues their restless nights. I choose love: inconvenient, inconceivable, irreplaceable, indescribable and indestructible love. I want to take chances and trust a sovereign God who didn'’t die or send his spirit for me to live a really safe” and “comfortable life but for a life that requires me to have great faith in HIS blood, in HIS word, in HIS authority....IN HIM. The Lord had to drag me into the most uncomfortable and unpeaceful place (me kicking and screaming the whole time) before I could really experience true rest, comfort, and peace, before I would trade in my complacent life full of agreeable circumstances that I mistakenly called peace for a messy life full of real pain, tears, a love that surpasses knowledge, and a peace that still surpasses any understanding of my human brain every single day. If getting to be alive, to feel and be not only affected but changed into something different, something better, something more like Jesus means letting in the pain accompanied with tears that make my face blotchy (I am not a pretty crier), sleepless nights, and living the remainder of my life on this earth without my earthly father than I choose that. Now is the time to dare to love, dare to be hurt, dare to be seen for the messes we all are, and to be wise enough to embrace the Lord and the redemptive work he is doing in the midst of our world and in each of our individual hearts. Jesus is all we have anyways (not in a last resort kind of a way but in a TRUE REALITY kind of a way. That has been the frustration of this week so far, I retreated back to the familiar role of "getting the task in front of me done all on my own” choosing not to feel or deal with any of it, choosing to numb the pain and cover it up with a band-aid that never sticks. And here I am again right back where I started humbled by the Lord's patience, in desperate need of his sufficient grace, and begging him to wake me up inside. I want to be apart of what he is doing and to forever quit playing "Hide and Seek". I just want to play "SEEK". . . No more hiding. No more hiding from you, no more hiding from God, no more hiding from fear or hurt, and no more hiding from me. This song provoked a lot of honest thoughts inside of me tonight; I lay my head down and feel bruised and broken but never more certain that though the Lord's love is looking considerably different then I had once known it to be, He is worth it, and there is life and healing in these wounds. This song made me long for what is real, no matter the cost.


"You could run from open arms,
Search the ends of all the earth,
Then there would be nothing,
No, nothing there worth keeping
So love the girl and don’t look back
Bruise your knees and break your back
For you may never get a chance to love like this one"

Roller Skates, the 80's, and Chelsea

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Originally uploaded by ephesians3kh2.

This is one of my dearest friends in the whole wide world, Chelsea. If you are wondering about the crimped hair, overdone blue eyeshadow, and the side pony-tails.... you are normal. This is not our everyday attire, but we did sport it to a crush party, AMC (Aggie Men's Club) roller derby. SO FUN! How grateful am I for a God that gives us stuff to laugh about, ways to play, and times of sweet release from all of the "real world" stuff that sometimes weighs on my heart (a little too heavily.) It was a fun night. Although I had a couple of brutal falls and I am paying for them still! All in all, for not having roller skated in eight years, I am chalking it up to a success!

Come in.....

Matthew 11:28-30 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

What does your invitation say? While I hope mine would say, "Come and sit, take your shoes off and lie down. Let me cook for you, drink with me. Find rest and if for only a small while my heart's desire would be that you would hand me the burdens that are weighing you down. Laugh with me, smile, cry, be sad, be happy, be whatever it is that you really and authentically are... let me hold you, embrace you, comfort you, challenge you. I want to know with every ounce of me exactly what it is that you are feeling. I want to celebrate your greatest joys and crawl until I can meet you in your darkest hour. I want you to come and be loved, to feel understood, to feel loved, to feel accepted. I long to know the depths of your beautiful soul." Unfortunately for me, my invitation honestly says something more like, "I am tired, weak and weary. Sorry there is no room for you because I am trying to find strength on my own apart from Christ and all of my resources are exhausted and I am spent. I do love you but I have no rest to offer. Do you have any left over maybe you could spare some for me." Some of my days are like when you are in the car and you arrive to your destination, but you cannot recall one thing about the drive. I lay my head down and night and think, "What happened today?" I lead a freshmen bible study within my sorority and every week we talk about a different attribute of the Lord's beauty and thus what makes us beautiful, defines our worth and our identity etc.... last night was about being Inviting, about Christ invitation that always says, "COME!" I was going, not to explain what I have so tactfully conquered but to confess what I feel so defeated in. Well, when I got to the Pi Phi house they weren't there. I was so confused. I finally found one and she said that someone had told them they weren't allowed in the chapter room and their earlier event had ended forty minutes ago and so they all just thought it was cancelled. Hmmm. Strange. I got to talk to some girls in the house and then started on my way back home. On the way home the Lord settled my heart. It wasn't an accident. He had something else planned for the two of us. I went to express my inadequacy and how I long for the Lord to write a new invitation on my soul and trade in mine, and all the while there he was subtly and passionately whispering, "Shhh.... child of mine, spend some time with me tonight. Accept MY INVITATION to come and rest." I went home put on a face mask, poured a glass of wine, ran a bubble bath, and lingered in the Lord's presence for a good hour and a half. When was the last time I had sat with him and just talked to him intentionally, really asked him what he was thinking? When was the Last time I lost my way with words trying to tell him how I feel about him? When was the last time that I had made one of these kinds of emotional deposits into our relationship. Unworthy of His love, Undeserving of that moment, but so grateful. My heart feels close to him today. That is just so like him to surprise me with His perfect love, in the most perfect way. I feel alive and in love.

Isaiah 55:1-3
“Come all who are thirsty, come to the waters; and you who have no money, come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost. Why spend money on what is not bread and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good. And your soul will delight in the richest of fare. Give ear and come to me; hear me THAT YOUR SOUL MAY LIVE.”

Lately.

Well, here we are. Like I said, I am taking 19 hours this semester. Who knew one could be so educated? Although my course load is heavy I absolutely love my classes. I have never been so intellectually stimulated in my life, as far as in the classroom stuff goes. Life is just so funny. My birthday was on September 1, and I decided to come home to be with my family. The birthday honestly wasn't my favorite, as birthdays go, but I endured it and am not really expecting holidays to breeze by without experiencing the pain that each of them will be marked with. In my family's best effort to celebrate we went to three forks and requested a table for, Hooper, party of four. I hate the number four. Five is such a better, more full number. Don't you think? Scott didn't feel well and had to leave the table, and my mom's lobster wasn't cooked correctly and I found us in the middle of a dinner that was trying so hard to make the obvious pain secondary but failed. The pain triumphed and surfaced. And there we were, the four of us at three forks, wanting our number five. The next day was the 2nd. The 2nd of September, that marked the sixth month that my precious daddy has been with Jesus. Can you believe that? It has been half a year. I cannot. All of these numbers really mean nothing to me because they don't change anything, or fix anything, or make anything feel better or worse. But it is strange none the less. I have good days and bad days, and in the midst of whatever day it is or has been, the Lord embraces me, carries me, and moves me. I trust him in his leading me, loving me, and protecting me.

Enough about me, I had been hesitant to write about this but I feel like you all should know kind of what is going on in the other Hooper's lives. My oldest brother, Scott, had been engaged to a young lady named Allison, and their wedding was to be next weekend. After a lot of working through stuff, they have decided that marriage is not what they need to do right now. Scott has experienced a lot of emotional heartache and it is just one of those things that you want so badly to help in the healing but you don't really have the answer or cure all for that kind of hurt. We love him and pray for him, and he is not alone. Scott and I were talking last week about everything and his trust in a most sovereign God is real and comforts his little heart so perfectly. We love Ali, and we love Scott, and we want God's best for the both of them and if that isn't each other than we wait with Great EXPECTATION at what the Lord has in store for them each. Please pray for his mind at work; as Scott's paradigm and world have been ripped to shreds, he is still at my dad's firm which is more or less in their hands. I cannot imagine how hard and unbearable some of his days must be. I love you Scotty...... SO MUCH!

Todd, my other adorable bubby, is doing great. He completed his masters in accounting in May and moved back home to be with my mom. Todd is picking up work at the firm with ease, and is enjoying being in the daily company with his brother and best friend again. Scott and Todd are so funny together. Anyways, Todd and Scott sit for the CPA exam soon and are studying like crazy (or should be), so please pray for their brains, that they would retain the information that seems lost in their college text books.

Mom is hanging out with her Zeta sisters from college this weekend. She is something special. She is the nicest most patient woman in the world. Our house has been under reconstruction all summer and is finally starting to take on a normal feel, but is by no means completed. My mom and I are able to share in our sadness, and she always makes things just a little bit better. Her presence in my life is like the best blankey I have ever had. She is tailgating in Lubbock for Tech football games, traveling with her church trailer group "The Holy Rollers" , and stays very busy with her social life. The whole family is working out at Larry North and mom is doing great. We are all so proud of her. Her friends love her and include her and take good care of her.

Okay that is more or less the update. Oh yea, I almost forgot. After much prayerful consideration I have decided that after graduation I will be moving to New York. I am excited about being with the Vassars and the possibility of having another job amongst the people I will be going to church with. JR and Ginger Vassar are dear friends of mine. They have played an irreplaceable role in my life and growth in the faith. In January they moved to the upper east side and planted (still planting I would say) Manhattan Christian Church (http://www.nychristian.com/knowgod.htm). Check it out. and better than that PRAY For them. They are so obedient and sincerely love Jesus. I am challenged by them, each of them, even their little girl, who is only in first grade. I love you all and thank you for your love and encouragement. Blessings.............

it has been a while

Well... the business of life and that special craziness that always seems to accompany the fall is undeniably in full force. I am taking 19 hours of class, hanging out with the people that I am realizing in less than one year will no longer be just down the road and trying to get a job at Starbucks. I not only need your prayers but I am so grateful for your love. It overflows from every person around me. My house is one of love, and my friends find me in the depths and help me walk. I am going home tomorrow and cannot wait. I will write more this weekend but I just wanted to check in. Love you all, Kimmy

Peace Peace and Some more Peace

Psalm 62:1-2,8 “My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken. TRUST IN HIM AT ALL TIMES, O PEOPLE; POUR OUT YOUR HEARTS TO HIM, FOR GOD IS OUR REFUGE.”

The sorority I am involved in here at Texas A&M is called Pi Beta Phi. We do an event every year to raise money for the Barbara Bush Parenting center. It is a home run derby called “Pi Phi Playoffs”. Last year Pi Phi play offs was held on March 5. This was the day of my dad’s funeral. There is a philanthropy day during recruitment and it was on Wednesday. Basically there is a slide show and all of my friends were not in it because they along with me were at the funeral. And there I was, inconveniently and unexpectedly in the middle of a breakdown. I had to sit that first party out. Sometimes these emotions seem like they are just too much. But the Lord met me in Julia Miller and Lauren Pyne’s room in the Pi Phi house. He met me there crying on the floor, curled up in the fetal position. And that’s what he does. He comes to us and he hurts with us and he heals us in time. He gave me amazing grace to get through the rest of the day and an amazing word yesterday morning… he gave me the scripture I listed above and I am in the middle of a Beth Moore study that coincidentally spoke of peace yesterday.

Christ experienced peace in the midst of tears. Why did Christ Jesus cry? Because He saw the tears of His loved ones. He demonstrated His own love with tears of anguish, yet all the while His peace remained. Please understand this vital point of peace: peace means the absence of fear and turmoil, not the absence of pain and grief. It greatly concerns me when I fail to see those who have lost loved ones shed tears in the name of “peace”. Christ, Himself, grieved over the separation of loved ones as shown here in John 11, in the garden of Gethsemane and, finally, on the cross as He saw His mother’s pain and suffered the separation from his Heavenly Father. We can be filled with sadness and still possess a wonderful sense of God’s peace. Perhaps it is at that moment beyond all others when the peace of God transcends all understanding. OUT GOAL IS NOT THE ABSENCE OF SORROW IN OUR GRIEVING, BUT RAHTER THAT WE REFUSE TO GRIEVE “AS THOSE WHO HAVE NO HOPE” (1 THESS. 4:13). –Beth Moore

WHAT AN AMAZING TRUTH. I am convinced of his presence and the sanity His peace brings into my life and especially into those seemingly unbearable moments, where my heart physically aches and hurts inside of me because I miss him so deeply and longingly wait to hear him say my name. There is love enough for the taking… and so I take- LOTS! He is so good to me. Thanks for letting me share and vent. It is so good to expose my heart with you all. It just feels right and good. How grateful can we be that we have a God who isn’t distant or unconcerned but rather, one who cries with us, hurts with us, and comforts even better than my mom (and she is pretty good at it ☺). Blessings to you all!

Pi Beta Phi to Thee....

Well it has been a whirlwind of a week! We just finished our first night of formal recruitment here at Texas A&M. The girls were precious and the Lord is proving to be as faithful as ever. I am needless to say - EXHAUSTED and it is almost four in the morning so I am going to try and sleep now. Know that you all are not forgotten and that my love, as well as my perspective, are being renewed DAILY! I will write soon and spill forth more details after this crazy week is over! XOXOXOXO...blessings to you all.

A Much needed Promise

“And the God of All grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while. Will himself RESTORE you and make you STRONG, FIRM, and STEADFAST.” 1Peter 5:10

I am so grateful for such a promise on this particularly low morning. With the fall approaching I cannot help but to think about how I usually love this season of the year. I have such happy memories from high school homecomings and football seasons. Our home and all of its elaborate decorations and the intoxicating smells that overflow from the kitchen, I think about Thanksgiving and how much my dad loved these feast and gatherings. He loved having all of t his little children under his roof once again. I hadn’t given much thought to my birthday this year, and still don’t want to. I know I am being dramatic but I almost don’t want to have a birthday, or a Thanksgiving, or a Christmas where the giant stockings my mom made are there, but he is not. My birthday is September 1, the opening day of dove season. I was reading this morning in Psalm 46 and tucked away in my old bible were a couple of e-mails that he had written me. I printed them off and put them there because I read them often. This is one he sent me the week before my birthday last year.

Hi There Young Lady:

Glad to hear you guys got back safely. Hope you are getting ready for
SCHOOL along with all of your sorority duties. It was nice to meet Paul. He seems like a fine young man and I look forward to getting to know him better. I just want you both to take your time in developing whatever this relationship is going to be. Time is one of the few things young people have in abundance. It is also something they seem to waste in the hurry of life and getting where they think they want to go. Be patient grasshopper,
and keep me posted.
My surgery currently looks to be scheduled on September 2. Bummer, as I had
planned on surprising you with my presence on the opening day of Dove season
for the first time ever. I don't know what Mom will do with her trip
planned for the first. I just know that I won't get to be there. For what
its worth, Scott and Todd won't get to have me with them on the first
either. I guess it will balance out. What I do not want is for everyone to
mess up their schedules trying to be with me for my surgery, or during the
weekend following for that matter. I want each of you doing the things you
need to be doing in your lives, not just mine. Be patient with Mom and love
her. She really needs everyone's support right now. I know you all will.

I've got to get gone, headed home you know. I'll get back to you soon.

Love You Bunches,
Dad

Paul and I ended up being friends for those of you who don’t know him or me… He has been a great support and source of encouragement to me over the last year and is a wonderful brother in the community of believers that the Lord has placed me in. Anyways I love this e-mail because it is so typical of my daddy to not want everyone to come home and worry over him, and more so to neglect our school studies. And here we go; a new school year is about to commence. I am a little scared but our Faithful Father will be there with me every step of the way, just as he always has been. What a hard time of year marked with wonderful memories and painful realizations of my new life physically separated from him for this short time that sometimes feels endless.
I went to Hale Center with my brothers over this last weekend and I believe it did my grandmother well to see us. Sometimes when she is talking to us she will just start crying. I know what she sees… she sees her son. I cannot imagine. I wore my hair curly and she just touched it and sobbed. No one else in my family has curly hair except my dad. It was emotionally pretty hard but so is life I am finding out… Please continue to pray for her. My brothers mean so much to me, the way they love me and take care of me. It felt good to fellowship with them. They will start studying for the CPA exam here in the next week or so. PRAY PRAY PRAY! They need to be diligent and to pass! They are brilliant and so precious and I know they can do it and with the Lord I know they will!
God is good and he sustains us. Mom and me will be joining Hallie and her mom, Bobbie in Florida on Wednesday for a final little summer vacation. I am extremely excited. I have a final that morning at ten (feel free to pray for that as well) and then off to the airport I go. I love you all and am humbled by the grace and new mercies that the Lord gives me extra portions of I am certain, and your many prayers. Thank you for being such wonderful hands and feet of our Savior. Blessings….

The Only Hope I've Got and the Only one I need

Psalm 51: 12 “Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. “

I have felt so robbed of the innocence that just might have been a mere illusion, but an illusion that had been a certainty and a staple in my life since the beginning. I just feel older. Along with my dad’s cancer and then physical death, I have had close friends experience divorce amongst their parents, seen adultery and affairs in marriages that I was praying and expecting to last forever, men I have grown up respecting in my church and out of my church act completely unethical in their businesses, how money has corrupted their once pure desires, how lust and small compromises have led to the demise and downfall of many around me and I cannot help but wonder where did it all begin? What were those first baby steps in the wrong direction that seemed virtually harmless? What small lies did Satan tell and little truths that were only slightly altered did these people believe way back in the beginning? I have honestly been so saddened. I came to some realizations in spending some much needed time with sweet Jesus this morning, my heart’s burdens for these people and their lives are only as good as I am willing to trust Christ’ redemptive work and healing blood in their story like I am willing to trust it in the story of redemption and restoration he is writing in me. The gospel is relevant and all people everywhere are in desperate need of Jesus, just as I have come to know that I am, in every single moment. I was distressed because how come my hope and joy was being altered by such life events? Is it sad, should I be sad over these things? YES! Of course it is sad. BUT my hope and joy come from something that has dominated this sadness and Satan. My hope and joy are incorruptible and should not waver with the ever- changing things of this world. My hope and joy are in our Precious Jesus, He is in the battle with me and has already won the war. I feel lighter this morning and not so tangled up in all of this mess. This living “in it and not of it” line gets so hard to find for me sometimes. We, as believers, certainly do have something to offer a world that is drowning in its insecurities, man built mansions, and its’ desire for more that will never be met apart from a relationship with their maker.

Mom, Scott, and Todd are doing GREAT! Me and the boys will be going to Hale Center this weekend. We are going to spend time with Granny (my dad’s mom)! Please pray for our time together. I pray that she would feel so loved and that we would be able to comfort her and bless her in our short trip. It will be five months tomorrow since my dad went to be with Jesus…hard to believe. I am so happy for him and his new home. Can you sit and dream with me for a while, what he might be doing in this moment? I love thinking about this. It has become one of my favorite past times. Praise Jesus for such a place of peace both in life and in my mind. I love you all and pray that you, too, would be restored to the joy of His salvation in your own life, that you would remember your first love and get excited about our King, His eternal plan, and His agenda for the entire world! Amazing! XOXOXO… blessings, Kimmy

My Portion

"Because of the Lord's great love we are NOT consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, :The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord." Lamentations 3: 22-26

My dad's mom lost her brother yesterday to lung cancer. He was diagnosed a week ago. She is sad, grief upon grief. The Lord is the only portion we need. This passage encourages my heart this morning... the absolute certainty that his compassions NEVER fail and mercies that are new EVERY morning. Praise Jesus indeed. I am on my way out the door to take a test and then off to HOME! Todd is back residing in Rockwall and we are all eating dinner tonight. When we sit at a table together we feel the weight of the missing man that has always been there but I draw a great comfort and strength from this banqueting table even now in his absence. This is my family. I love them.

Please continue praying for Carrie and Linda as they continue to teach, encourage, and motivate my brothers at the firm. They have both sacrificed many emotions and hours, carrying this business and equipping my very cute brothers. Thanks you two!!! Love you tons!

I love you all more than I can convey. Homebound, Kimmy

This is what it means to be held.

I have had numerous people tell me about this song and I just got around to listening to it. I was talking to one of my best friend's dads over the fourth and he was just asking questions and inquiring about how I have been doing when he provided such perfect comfort. I know it is certainly not people's intent to rob me from my sadness but there are those that would rather tell me about God's goodness than to join me in this uncomfortable place, this place that hurts beyond words. I am convinced of God's goodness, that is the evidence of my existence. I believe both in a Perfect and truly good God AS WELL AS a sadness that rapes every single one of my days. I know time will help but thankfully and painfully never let me forget. I don't believe in an "either or" God, I believe in both absolutes, the absolute certainty of his holiness as well as the hole in my heart. What do we tell people? What does a believer tell the husband who just found out that his wife and little girl died on a bus in London this morning? Cute quotes and no more tear solutions don't remedy such life altering moments. I think that is what I am loving most about my Jesus right now. He just sits with me and cries with me. He knows, much more than I do, about his goodness and I am able to confess to him, "Lord, yes I receive what you are doing but I just have to tell you how much it hurts right now, how much it just really sucks sometimes. Lord, I need you to meet me in my dad's closet when I sit in his clothes and still can smell him, and it is so real that I want to believe so badly that I will hear his truck come up the drive and the sound of his little voice in the entry way followed by the sound of his boots going to the kitchen for milk and potato chips. I want to hear him complain about how he can't find the remote for the TV... and I can't and I won't." I don't get my way. I didn't get my way. Yes he is healed, but not the kind of healing I had begged for. And God is good. I can see why unbelievers probably find us annoying sometimes. We are often quick to hurry and cover up sincere hurts, doubts, and questions with bible verses and baked goods. I want the Lord to let me hurt WITH people, to find them in their trenches and to put on their heavy loads and cry their very real tears that come from very real places. I am surrounded with amazing people that love me and let me deal openly with the war that rages in my heart almost on a minute to minute basis. This community of Jesus, loving brothers and sisters give me hope for a better tomorrow and a perfect eternal home. They are everywhere and are teaching me how to comfort others, as they comfort me. I am in a messy place, a messy, honest, sad, glorious, place- one full of rich love and the occasional laughter and a few nights of normal good sleep. Thank you. Have I told you all thank you lately? Thanks, and I love you.

Held- Natalie Grant

Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.

Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It's unfair.

Chorus:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred know our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

Bridge:
If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

Every day is made New

Because of who you are and who I am in you,
You make all things pure,
Because of who you are and who I am in you,
You make all things true,
You make all things new...

And Im so thankful for this life that I know,
That I am no longer what I was,
Because of your love and the beauty of the cross,
I can see your work in me!
-Watermark, "All things New"

It has been a difficult couple of weeks and I think this summer is going to be one of healing and restoration. I should start with my new roommates. Amazing. The Lord is so crafty when it comes to the works of his hands and the execution of his will. My decision to move into the Dexter house with girls I didn't really know has clearly been a blessing and one of obedience. There is a spirit of unity that is nothing short of the inner workings of the Holy Spirit. If you walked into our house you would think that we have all been friends for years. The way they love me, pray for me, comfort me, really see me, and laugh with me breathe life into parts of my heart that have felt somewhat dead for a while. I dropped one of my classes and was going to continue the other one until I realized that I had tested out of it when I was still in high school. Lovely. So no more school right now. I want to tell you guys a little bit about some big changes that are about to start taking place. I, after much consideration and prayer, have decided to start counseling with a lady that my church family here recommended named Beth Roe. She is a Christian with a formal practice. I start this Tuesday at 2:00pm. I came to this decision a while back and am just now getting around to starting it. I wanted to start counseling for a couple of reasons, one being that I feel like I arrive to points where I am like, "Oh I feel this because of that..." and so forth, which is a good thing but I am hopeful that I will reach those points a little faster by talking my way through them. And two I feel like if part of the reason we encounter trials and hardships is to be able to comfort others who are going through similar adversities, then wouldn't it be beneficial to know more about what I am going through. The Lord has humbled me and brought me to a place to reach beyond my own capabilities. He reminded me that seeking godly wise counsel is a good thing and so here we go...
My mom got into College Station today and will be staying until Wednesday. She just purchased a new travel trailer and is at the RV Park. Hysterical. She never ceases to amaze me with her carefree spirit and willingness to move forward. She braves new adventures with such passion and courage. Her beloved friend Jo-Beth came with her and we all cooked dinner with them tonight. "We all,” being my new roommates. I just love people. I love laughter and the subtle comforts of home that constantly surround me, whether it is a candle that my mom burns in our house or the type of dressing she buys for salads. Tonight was wonderful. I am about to tuck myself away into my comfy bed and rest up for another fun-filled day with the madre. These are the days. They are the days that are seen and the days that are given, they are good because he is abundantly good. I delight in what he is doing. Todd finishes school up in two weeks. Pray for him that he would finish strong. And Scott is going through kind of a lot right now, personal stuff and work stuff. They just amaze me. I am getting to stop and rest but they cannot. And I know that they need it equally as much but the Lord has something different in mind for them right now, and that something does not include stopping. Oh how I love you all. I pray that the Lord is showing himself to each and everyone of you and that he has given you new eyes to see things that seem old, in a whole new way. Isn't that the nature of our God? To make things all new... Lord we praise you for that, we praise you for new seasons, new reasons to laugh, new mercies, and brand new beginnings. We love you and we need you right now in this moment.

david.

At 3:30pm David went to be with Jesus. He suffered a stroke in the middle of the night last night and they took him off of the resperator at around three. He is there. His family is still here. Please pray for those still dwelling on this earth, his family and his friends. David was truly loved by so many and he is already greatly missed. I presume the service will be on Saturday. I will keep you posted. His believing has become seeing. Amazing.

A very Heavy heart.

“Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. (Vs. 23) They are new every morning; great is your Faithfulness. (Vs. 24) I say to myself, ‘The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.’ (Vs. 25) The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; (Vs. 26) It is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.” Lamentations 3: 22-26

I know that I have been a long time with the writings... I came back from Cabo and hit the ground running. I had already missed one day of class due to the trip and have since then only been in school for two weeks and we are approaching our midterm exams. Crazy. I will talk about the Hooper's in a second...

First things First... David Gilbert (a boy one year younger than me who attends A&M) has been back in the hospital for quite some time now. He is receiving his treatments and care at The Cancer research center in Houston. His white counts are low due to the Chemo and he is suffering from an infection. He is on a respirator. This all hits so close to home and I keep imagining his frail body and life held by the confident and steadfast hands of our Almighty God. Prayer is essential. I will let you all know as I get updates. David is amazing and LOVES the Lord, what relief this brings.

Okay so a couple of things... New York was amazing. It was so encouraging to see the city with new eyes and my dreams met a lot of realities. I have no idea what the Lord has in store for me regarding the big city but I am certainly able to pray with new insight. JR and Ginger were so inviting and wonderful, as they always are. We sat over dinner the night before we left (a box of delicious pizza) and it felt so much like home. It felt like home in every since of the word. I love our family of believers and that while we are away in the body we already have eternity actually dwelling inside of us banqueting over a table with others that will also take up permanent residency in heaven. Cabo was restful, relaxing, and very underserved. The Hix's were so kind to share their beautiful home and love with us for a week. It felt so good to sleep in and be with my mom. I hopefully will get around to posting some pictures soon.
And now the real updates about how we are doing... Scott is amazing. He is working and getting ready to be a husband to the wonderful Alison! They have been house hunting and are ready for the long distance to come to an end. I am just so in awe of him. He has taken on the roles of next in command with such care and precision. I feel like I have two dad's now and not just one. I have to answer the questions about the oil in my car, my checking account, and why I didn't call when I got somewhere to two boys now instead of just one. Please pray that Scott would be able to embrace each day one at a time. I don't know how he doesn't just get lost in it all. While he loves working in the office, it is sometimes impossible to escape sad feelings of being next door to what use to be my daddy's office.
Todd, got an "A" in his maymester and will be finishing his last class in graduate school in a couple of weeks. Todd is so brilliant. Scott calls Todd the dumbest smart kid in the world, as sometimes Todd can lacks in the common sense area(hehehe) I long for Todd to be in Rockwall and at home. My mom does too, however with Todd comes his two large labs Rowdy and Bear, which make the total lab count at 105 Shepherds Glen four labs in addition to Ali's maltipoo, Peaches. Todd is doing okay and we are all so proud of him for finishing school so diligently. Way to run and finish the race bubby!!!
Mommy,.. What a lady. While we were in Mexico mom was sad one night and I asked her what was going on. She told me that in light of Scotty's birthday (May 31st- he is 26!) she couldn't help but think about how thrilled she and my dad were when they found out they were pregnant. They had miscarried their first child and Scott was an even sweeter blessing. Sometimes I forget that they had this whole thing and life and relationship that had absolutely nothing to do with us. Which I am convinced is why they had such a fruitful marriage. They never forgot to take care of each other first and thus could love us so much better. She was telling me the look of pride in my dad's eyes and a undeniable acknowledgement of something so much greater than the two of them that could make such a miracle, a child of their own flesh and blood. "It was like at first it was just the two of us and then there were people..." hehe. I laughed. That is how babies are made I guess... My heart hurts for her in such a different way than it does for me and my brothers. I love you mom. I LOVE YOU MOMMY! i love you. I really do. She amazes me and encompasses unconditional love in a way I have never seen replicated. Her friends continue to be the body of Christ, loving her, protecting her, sharing meals with her, and praying for her.
I am doing okay. I am in it, so to speak. There is an actual physical pain in my heart and I have these moments that I find myself thinking to the Lord, bargaining with him almost. I tell him that I would do anything to talk to my daddy just one more time. ANYthing. It isn't rational, but true love never has been. All the while I smile at the TRUTH that there will be a day. There will be a day when my faith will be turned into seeing with my own eyes and cement that I once walked on will be transformed into gold, and the man that shares my genetic make-up will once again be more than pictures and amazing memories. He, like Jesus, I will see and touch in a whole new way. I am smiling through my tears. I can hardly wait. I want everyone to go to this place. I want the orphan that has Aids in Africa whose time is quickly running out to be set free and to know the truth about the God that so purposefully made them to go to this prepared place. I want the disease- infested, starving dying people in the trenches of Calcutta India to go to this place, to banquet at the table with a feast unfathomable. And I want the people of civil unrest and political riots in Bolivia due to their natural gas crisis, in which some have died, to know a never ending peace breathed by God. I want the Muslim girl in my class last semester to know our Jesus. This is not our home and we remain hopeful in our Jesus, His kingdom and ever so Confident in his consuming love and faithfulness.
I love you all and long to see you again. Your prayers and encouragement are always received with a heart that doesn’t think it could keep going without them. all my love....Kimmy

Big City, Bigger Ocean, Small girl

I spent a week with the Vassars in New York and now I am in Cabo. I will tell you all about it when I get back! The city was wonderfully busy and the ocean's vastness leaves me speechless. I love you all and pray for you as the Lord brings you to mind. I am going back to College Station immediately upon my return. I think the flight gets in around four tomorrow and then I start summer school on Wednesday! The Lord has been so good to me, and I anticipate getting to tell you all about it! XOXOXOXO and blessings, Kimmy

Too many to Mention...

"Do not let ANY unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but ONLY what is helpful for building others up according to THEIR needs, that it may benefit those who listen." Ephesians 4: 29

The word I left out yesterday would be "some". "The reason SOME people don't bring it up..." There are many who do. The Lord has surrounded me with such a great cloud of witnesses and I am grateful. If I didn't mention your name, please know that I KNOW and APPRECIATE all of your prayers, love, and support. I was being EXTREMELY vulnerable and honest with some of the pain that I have been walking through when I wrote yesterday. I also must extend an additional "I am sorry" and "thank you". I am sorry if you are in my inner circle and feel like I have neglected you or the hurts and struggles that you are walking through. I am still learning to walk with this brokeness inside of me, and I haven't quite gotten the hang of it. Thank you for grace and patience. Thank you for seeing inside of me when I can't see outside of myself. I think that is what Jesus did. You all are like Jesus. I long to encourage you and love you any and every way the Lord stirs in me. I am going to work on a paper and to study now. This semester officially ends in less than 75 hours.

***Hello to Linda, Carrie, and the office; I miss you all and can't wait to see you when I get home! I think I will stop by for sure on Friday! Scott told me you all were cleaning out dad's office and I know that must have been hard. I am praying for you all! Love you!

Not so much Over As Still going On...

It wasn't so much a disease, a whole lot of hospital, a few hours at a funeral, or the week after, as it is an ongoing ever- present pain, thought, and new life. It is the air I am breathing. There still isn't a day that goes by that I don't cry. I am partially certain that the reason people don't bring it up is because they are scared they will upset me and they don't really know what to say. I guess the reality is... it is always going on in my head and heart through and there is no way for me to know that people are praying for me, thinking of me, and hurting with me unless they tell me. I sit in my room and it is strange. I hurt, am crying, and guess I am supposed to walk outside of these green walls and tell someone I am hurting and than walk back inside my room, curl up in my blanket, and feel it out. How does one grieve glorifying the Lord? It, like love, I don't think can be reduced to a simplistic formula or logical equation. It makes the people that are verbalizing their acknowledgement and love so special to me. Tori consistently hops over and checks on me; Cassi Mason would sit and listen to me talk forever and she is a newly discovered haven in my life. Chelsea provided endless laughter and a place to just feel sad when I don't feel happy. Whitney McDonald sends me cards in the mail, Mykla reads my blogs and is walking right along with me. Hallie encourages me with the most sincere love. They, along with MANY others, are all specific hands apart of the plan to prosper me and give me hope. And not to mention my sweet Jesus. I have come to appreciate HIS loyal presence, in a place where I feel so alone at times. I wouldn't trade the pain for anything though. With this intense authentic pain comes a real and intense love that I have never plunged the depths of. This life, I am learning, is a lot of give and take. What I am also finding is I don't have much to give, a lowly human, corrupt and depraved, selfish, quick to act like I can do it on my own, and quick to judge. What I take, I don't deserve. I take his life so I don't have to hide behind mine. I take his grace and freely walk. I take his blood and in return I experience meaning in the smallest of things. I take his strength so I can get out of bed in the morning. I take his hope that enables me to 'laugh at the days to come' and I take his hand as he leads me into unseen places. He is so good to me. I got to spend less than twenty-four hours with my two brothers, my precious mommy, my grandmother, and my aunt and uncles last night and this morning. It feels so good to talk and cry with them. There is still so much comfort in my mother's touch and my brother's big hugs. I am off to study now, finals you know?! I LOVE YOU ALL sweet family and Happy Mother’s Day to all of you wonderful remarkable moms!!!

As Iron Sharpens Iron

Proverbs 27: 17 "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."

I know one of the most amazing children of our Most High God. Her soul resides in the most engaging and beautiful body, which some people probably miss out on the rest of her because they stop there. But inside of her, that is where a beauty untold lie. Her deep brown eyes, hold so much mystery, so many tears, and the same compassion as when I dream of looking into Jesus' eyes. As she sat across the table from me last night speaking about working with Romanian orphans for the summer and how her heart actually physically aches for a heart that proclaims God's seen and unseen glory, I am certain that the Lord had the most radiant smile pouring over her. He adores this liitle one. It is special the way he loves her, cradles her, sends her, and moves her. She responds. Satan lies to her sometimes, trying to make her believe that her hands are too small to do this work, that she isn't getting the job done. Those of us who have had the privelage of her presence know the depths of the absurdity this is. Her hands may be small but He uses those delicate hands to paint the fine print and details of things that big hands could never do. And her laugh. I have never heard an angel laugh, not to my knowledge anyways, but I am convinced that it sounds something like her laugh. Her laugh is medicine to my soul. There are truly moments that I just long to listen to her giggle in joy, laughing uncontrollably over things told and secrets between she and her maker. She delights in the small things, which makes for contagious laughter throughout every hour of every day. She is honest. I will never forget the moment she really stole my heart. We were sitting in my apartment my sophomore year, and she let me in with such grace. She talked of her father's death, her family, her pain, her joy, and a million other things. She invites those around her to be apart of her sanctification and we are all better for it. She doesn't have a clue as to the greatness she is. Her very presence soothes me. I can cry with her and I don't have to explain what I am feeling because she knows and she can cry the very same tears, and does. I think there are a lot of people in the body that are quick to say, "Well, let me know if I can do anything..." I am certainly glad that Jesus didn't wait for everyone to start asking him that before he started preaching, saving, and healing. Like Jesus, she doesn't just throw the invitation for help out there, but rather she observes the person or situation, finds the need, and simply walks according to love and meeting others around her where they are at. She acts with such confidence and serves with the strength of her Father. She looks at the scars her heart bears and doesn't always see the redemptive work that has made them shine with beauty because of His touch. She is humble, not fake "look at me I am serving and I want everyone to see how humble I am humble", but true humility. The same kind that Jesus had to have to walk amongst us and to pour his life out on our behalf. She spurs me on towards love and good deeds. I love you Tori.

Counting Months

Yesterday I was at dinner, and someone said the date out loud, "May 2". That was all it took to send me right into the sad place that holds me captive with pensive thoughts about my precious father and the hole in my heart. Do you ever stop counting the months that the person you loved more than life has been temporarily seperated from you? Or when months turn into years, do you only remember years? I bet that is what happens because I used to think in terms of minutes and then hours and now have progressed to months. I think of him and smile, even though I am often smiling through tears that fall without warning or control. I would have given anything to talk to him yesterday. I felt sad and I was remembering him the Saturday before he went to be with Jesus, when he was telling me how much he loved me and my bubbies. I miss the sound of my name spilling from his lips, the sound of his heart beat, and his engaging embrace that made all my troubles dissolve into his love and protection for me. I was thinking about what he would have told me yesterday to make me feel better, and it did. I haven't dreamt about him in over a week and I know it may sound silly but I like dreaming about him. When he is in my dreams I feel like he is still with me, even if it is only in my sleep and for a short amount of time. Bittersweet. One weekend when I was home last semester my phone started ringing at 4:30 in the morning; I looked at who it was and it was my daddy's cell phone number. I got up and walked into his room to make sure he was okay and when I asked him if he needed anything he said no. He told me he just knew I was down the hall but he couldn't see me. He wanted to see me, he wanted my presence. He tucked me into his bed, next to my mom and he said, "That is what I wanted, all my girls right here with me." I will never forget that moment for the rest of my life. He sat in his chair and watched us sleep until morning came. That is what I miss. I miss his presence. I miss feeling like I am his five-year old naive, optimistic, unstained yet by the standards, temptations, and colors of this fallen world, little girl. My mom took his cell phone number upon retiring from Cingular and everytime she calls me, "daddy cell" appears on my phone's screen. Sometimes for a brief second I forget and my heart skips a beat and I can't wait to talk to him. I know I should change it but I just can't bring myself to do that yet. I really miss him a whole lot.

Updates...

OKAY... well for those of you so sacrificially prayed for me- WE MADE IT! I got through the week of four test. I took a much needed five our nap yesterday. I operate in list form so forgive me for the need of structure.

David Gilbert: This is my new friend and brother David. He was diagnosed with cancer this last summer and is back in treatments. He, from what I hear, is feeling pretty ill from the chemo he is receiving. Katie Bentel told me he just received a "prayer pager" and whenever someone is praying for him they call and it buzzes. There really is something to not feeling alone. I bet it buzzes so much it annoys him : ) (that is what I hope anyways) My heart obviously hurts for him in ways that it never could prior to walking through the disease with my daddy. I want you all to be so encouraged by David's great faith. He never complains or ask why? He often is the one who encourages others, funny how that happens sometimes. Let us keep his family in mind as well.

Amanda Cox: This is part of an e-mail her sister Erin sent me... "Amanda went to the doctor yesterday for her follow up. They removed some of the stitches from her neck. Her cut is about 8" along her collar -bone.
They informed her that the right lobe of her thyroid was completely ate up
with cancer and it had spread to the left lobe. THANK GOD they decided to
remove the whole thyroid because the original plan was to just remove the
right side. There are a few lympnodes that have cancerous cells in them
that they did not get. HOPEFULLY the radiation will kill what is left in
her little body. She is staying strong." We are HOPING and PRAYING that every single cancerous cell will be taken away!!!!

As I pray about these two individuals, I am once again faced with my mortality. Amanda and David are both so young, so courageous, so full of life, and I can't help but to think, even now, how I sometimes feel so removed from these things... like this could never happen to me. The Lord is abundantly patient with me and my limited human mind. I run around like I am in control and calling the shots all to often. Both of their stories stop me in my tracks, point me towards the cross, and cause me to walk confidently in my Jesus rather than in "Kim". We are his workmanship, his craft, made to do his work, and to LOVE & KNOW him deeply. That is all that matters in the end and now anyways. In the last month that my dad was here on this earth, he would start talking to me about "the office" or "work" and then he just stopped and looked at me and would say things like... "Oh, it is all going to be taken care of and go on without me...they really have been for a long time anyways. All that matters now and ever really should have mattered is that I love my God and that He loves me." Isn't it nice how simple life becomes when we look at the cross. I long to gaze upon the cross and the life and love that it brings into every single detail of the time the Lord has us dwelling in these earthly tents. The simplicity of the cross that breeds a life, death, and love that I can never grasp the depths of, covers me, moves me, and makes me whole. We are doing well. God is good, too good for these things called words. I am two finals and one paper away from the semester that I didn't want to be apart of in the first place. God knew that I could do it because He knew that He would do it and so here we are today. Thanks again for the prayers. I feel them everyday inside of me. I love you little family... Kimmy