Alive

my favorite picture
Originally uploaded by ephesians3kh2.

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13


A far away friend sent me a song, unknowing of the the tender place my heart has rested today. I listened to it and then I listened to it again… and then again. Basically I have been feeling inadequate and frustrated all week because of a test I took and wasn't ready for, because of time I wish I had to spend with people rather than my books (not Harry Potter or The Chronicles of Narnia- but text books), with a heart that might be the definition of divided because I feel the need to fill a role within my family that is hard to do being geographically located in College Station and the ever so fun circular process of not feeling like I am enough, not having enough time in the day to do all of the things on my list of things to do only to discover that I am in fact NOT enough, leading me right back to my knees asking God to be all of the things I cannot, was not and never will be. All of that to say I came back to a starting point tonight that entailed the Lord essentially screaming the message "accept that which is real because even though parts of it will hurt I KNOW NOTHING BUT GOODNESS or choose to go through the motions and miss out on my glory, reality, and the work I long to do in your heart." The Lord presented me with these two choices a long time ago, when my dad was still here and I was taking a full load of school and somehow spending four out of the seven nights of the week at home in Rockwall by his bed or in his hospital room. I wanted to brave the storm on my own not burdening those around me, to appear strong and all together. Well, I am literally grinning as I write this because the Lord knew it would only be a matter of time before I met my breaking point and would fall to my face in total and complete desperation. We all have a breaking point. My knees are what I fell on, in a puddle of grace is where I landed, and it would be in this puddle that I would find my sanity and peace of mind. This puddle of grace would be my home and only hope. I am still in the puddle and sometimes I try to stand up on my own, dry myself off and walk away but I always end up back there. I thought I had loved so purposefully and I thought that I valued people and relationships. I thought I knew what true happiness was and I thought I had tasted, for the most part, the depths of how capable I was of loving others. I thought wrong. It wasn't t until the Lord ripped what I called sacred out of my hands right in front of me, that I was woken up to the reality of life, true love, and choosing to see what the Lord was really doing instead of trying to fit His will into My agenda. This was the subtle difference of choosing the eternal (Him) over the temporal (Me and my best laid plans). I could go through the motions and keep busy, and choose to be blind. In this way of living and self-preservation I won't be as susceptible to being hurt and I won’t be as effected by the stuff that wounds us and then leaves remnants behind of relentless pain like fallen debris in the aftermath of a violent storm. I might acquire earthly wealth and I might like that stuff. Some call this way of living wise...(if one never plays the game, then one never is at risk of being exposed as a failure) and others call it safe . I call it numb and void of true meaning. I call it cowardly, and a life that does not involve risk and vulnerability is not the life that Christ lived or died for. Am I glad that my dad isn't here? Of course not because I am a selfish human who would want to withhold heaven from him so he could be with me a little longer but I am glad that he is truly living and dwelling in a body that is no longer sick. I am also glad that in the hardest time of my life the Lord gave me the privilege of seeing life for what it really is, to show me how to live and not just go through the motions because I am frozen with fear like a nail in a wall or even worst am just so selfish that I can'’t live for anything else but my own selfish ambitions and vain conceits, for the opportunity to play an irreplaceable role in a story infinitely greater than myself. A privileged time indeed. Isn't he real? Isn't our home an eternal one? Am I taking any of this crap that promises to fill but really only leaves me less satisfied with me? Would I really rather not be transparent so people “think" I have it all together, all the while I am slowly dieing on the inside? Would I really choose not to love because the more I let someone in, the greater I will feel their absence if they choose to leave? Would I rather not let someone into my heart because upon seeing what is really going on inside of me they might pack up their bags and walk right back out? Oh the lies Satan spews and the lies we so quickly swallow. I choose to feel. I choose to feel a pain that has literally made me throw up, a pain that reached parts of my core that I never knew existed, a pain that doesn't always allow my fatigued body to physically rest. Because this pain comes with a glorious juxtaposition that makes it all worth it. The pain comes with a love that is so pure, so powerful, and scarily real. This kind of love I speak of never fails, and in it's perfection drives away all of my fears. This love is greater than the pain and far outweighs any suffering I have tasted. I see people now and I want to see their souls. I want to see what makes them tick and what is lurking just under the surface that plagues their restless nights. I choose love: inconvenient, inconceivable, irreplaceable, indescribable and indestructible love. I want to take chances and trust a sovereign God who didn'’t die or send his spirit for me to live a really safe” and “comfortable life but for a life that requires me to have great faith in HIS blood, in HIS word, in HIS authority....IN HIM. The Lord had to drag me into the most uncomfortable and unpeaceful place (me kicking and screaming the whole time) before I could really experience true rest, comfort, and peace, before I would trade in my complacent life full of agreeable circumstances that I mistakenly called peace for a messy life full of real pain, tears, a love that surpasses knowledge, and a peace that still surpasses any understanding of my human brain every single day. If getting to be alive, to feel and be not only affected but changed into something different, something better, something more like Jesus means letting in the pain accompanied with tears that make my face blotchy (I am not a pretty crier), sleepless nights, and living the remainder of my life on this earth without my earthly father than I choose that. Now is the time to dare to love, dare to be hurt, dare to be seen for the messes we all are, and to be wise enough to embrace the Lord and the redemptive work he is doing in the midst of our world and in each of our individual hearts. Jesus is all we have anyways (not in a last resort kind of a way but in a TRUE REALITY kind of a way. That has been the frustration of this week so far, I retreated back to the familiar role of "getting the task in front of me done all on my own” choosing not to feel or deal with any of it, choosing to numb the pain and cover it up with a band-aid that never sticks. And here I am again right back where I started humbled by the Lord's patience, in desperate need of his sufficient grace, and begging him to wake me up inside. I want to be apart of what he is doing and to forever quit playing "Hide and Seek". I just want to play "SEEK". . . No more hiding. No more hiding from you, no more hiding from God, no more hiding from fear or hurt, and no more hiding from me. This song provoked a lot of honest thoughts inside of me tonight; I lay my head down and feel bruised and broken but never more certain that though the Lord's love is looking considerably different then I had once known it to be, He is worth it, and there is life and healing in these wounds. This song made me long for what is real, no matter the cost.


"You could run from open arms,
Search the ends of all the earth,
Then there would be nothing,
No, nothing there worth keeping
So love the girl and don’t look back
Bruise your knees and break your back
For you may never get a chance to love like this one"