Not so much Over As Still going On...

It wasn't so much a disease, a whole lot of hospital, a few hours at a funeral, or the week after, as it is an ongoing ever- present pain, thought, and new life. It is the air I am breathing. There still isn't a day that goes by that I don't cry. I am partially certain that the reason people don't bring it up is because they are scared they will upset me and they don't really know what to say. I guess the reality is... it is always going on in my head and heart through and there is no way for me to know that people are praying for me, thinking of me, and hurting with me unless they tell me. I sit in my room and it is strange. I hurt, am crying, and guess I am supposed to walk outside of these green walls and tell someone I am hurting and than walk back inside my room, curl up in my blanket, and feel it out. How does one grieve glorifying the Lord? It, like love, I don't think can be reduced to a simplistic formula or logical equation. It makes the people that are verbalizing their acknowledgement and love so special to me. Tori consistently hops over and checks on me; Cassi Mason would sit and listen to me talk forever and she is a newly discovered haven in my life. Chelsea provided endless laughter and a place to just feel sad when I don't feel happy. Whitney McDonald sends me cards in the mail, Mykla reads my blogs and is walking right along with me. Hallie encourages me with the most sincere love. They, along with MANY others, are all specific hands apart of the plan to prosper me and give me hope. And not to mention my sweet Jesus. I have come to appreciate HIS loyal presence, in a place where I feel so alone at times. I wouldn't trade the pain for anything though. With this intense authentic pain comes a real and intense love that I have never plunged the depths of. This life, I am learning, is a lot of give and take. What I am also finding is I don't have much to give, a lowly human, corrupt and depraved, selfish, quick to act like I can do it on my own, and quick to judge. What I take, I don't deserve. I take his life so I don't have to hide behind mine. I take his grace and freely walk. I take his blood and in return I experience meaning in the smallest of things. I take his strength so I can get out of bed in the morning. I take his hope that enables me to 'laugh at the days to come' and I take his hand as he leads me into unseen places. He is so good to me. I got to spend less than twenty-four hours with my two brothers, my precious mommy, my grandmother, and my aunt and uncles last night and this morning. It feels so good to talk and cry with them. There is still so much comfort in my mother's touch and my brother's big hugs. I am off to study now, finals you know?! I LOVE YOU ALL sweet family and Happy Mother’s Day to all of you wonderful remarkable moms!!!