This Weekend

I got home tonight at around 12:30am. My dad had just gone to his bedroom, and luckily for me he was still awake. His hair started falling out last week and so we shaved his head again. I kind of like him bald, he is REAL cute. He looks like Mr. Clean. He is extremely swollen, the doctors said this was because he doesn't get enough protein. Protein doesn't really come in abundance through watery soup. He honestly doesn't really "look good", and he had a hard evening, so he told me. HOWEVER... He is thrilled to have all of his little ones under his roof for the weekend. Todd and Scott's fiance, Allison, flew in tonight, and I pulled in the driveway to Holly's car. The whole family is home -delightful. Daddy went to the hospital on Monday to resume the chemo but his lab work was poor and so they sent him home. He went back yesterday but couldn't find a vein that was cooperating; they are all pretty much done. They opted to put a pick line in, the same idea as a port. He received his chemo today. His pick line stays in him and they will put all of his meds in through that so NO MORE IV's! He was happy about that; the only thing that my dad doesn't like about them is when he showers. They can't get wet and it annoys him. My faith started to feel small tonight as I sat before him. He just looks so sick and different from what I can remember for most of my life. I started thinking about the actual cancer cells in his body that are just multiplying. I quickly became overwhelmed. I hate those cancer cells, every single one of them. I really do. I hate that they make him physically hurt so much. I love that the Lord is using them to reconcile my family's hearts and lives according to Him. It hurts. The things happening to his body aren't really ramifications of the cancer but the chemo. And Lord Jesus we pray that the cancer cell's aren't multiplying and that you are using this chemo that is temporarily hurting him to restore his health. Lord renew my mind with your voice that calms me and speaks truth to me and let me so easily recall your faithfulness in this time, rather than trusting in what my dad externally looks like. I will walk by faith even when I cannot see. Lord, what I am seeing tonight it is hard to watch. It is so hard to watch him fight. I would give anything to take it away. Anything. Remind me that you love him more than I do and that you won't let him slip through your fingers, that you know my father intimately and you long for your very best and abundant life for him. Before I ever existed or knew him, you did. Before there was time you loved him. I can not make much sense of this tonight, I love the life you have given me and without you it would be so meaningless and hopeless.
Well, sometimes when I write I forget who I am writing to, I thought about deleting the later portion of this entry but it is real. Tonight is a rough night for me. My heart is just so tender right now and all of these feelings just kind of snuck up on me as I entered his room. Deep breaths and a faithful father, one day at a time. I am going back to College Station on Saturday to go to my first social event with Pi Phi all year. It is our formal. Though my trip will be short I am truly grateful that I decided to come home, even if it was only for two nights. The sores in my dad are not really getting worse but they aren't getting better anymore either. These make it hard for him to eat and talk.

***Things to pray***
1) Removal of every single cancer cell... EVERY SINGLE ONE, that his tissue and blood would show no signs of this disease
2) That the Lord would increase my families faith, that we would grasp a Father who can heal if he so chooses, that we can and should pray courageously, for we are miracles ourselves
3) Removal of the sores in his mouth and throat
4) All of our travels this weekend
5) That our time together would be encouraging, purposeful, and edifying.
6) My room mates are keeping my dog, he can't come home anymore with me... They will need patience, sometimes he can be a handful

***He hears us***
1) The rash we have been praying about is still present but hardly itching at all!
2) Home health care is ready and just a phone call away when we need it now.
3) I was truly encouraged this week by Lauren Pyne and Laura Rodgers. The Lord has been so consistent in sending people into my life at just the right moment loving me in just the right way, and I am so undeserving and appreciative.

-I love you all and thanks for crying with me and being a safe place for me to confess my honest hurt as I walk through this. You all are our most valuable Savior's hands and feet. Thanks for holding my hand and walking with me. Sweetest dreams.