Flower & Sugar

"Cast all of your anxieties on him, because he cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7

I am so glad that I don't have to carry these burdens, that I can literally throw them at the feet of Jesus. I have enjoyed it so much, this peace that even though I am experiencing, do not understand in the least bit. I am swimming in it and it is satisfying and calming. Why do I try to carry anything on my own? I give you full permission and am actually begging you all to remind me of these truths in times to come when my pride thinks it can handle "it" on my own. I am going home tomorrow and I rejoice in that. I was especially ready to be at home yesterday, realizing that I still had a couple of days to live and be purposeful in College Station, I put the thought of going home away because if I would have entertained the thought of it for one more second I would have skipped the rest of my classes and been home by dinner on Tuesday with my dad in the hospital. He eats at seven, or tries to eat anyways. Yesterday was rough. I called my dad around eleven in the morning and he told me that he loved me but it hurt to talk and the pain was intense, so intense that he had to get off the phone. I haven't talked to him since. Later in the afternoon in my bible lit class tears started welling up in my eyes. I was thinking, "Well sure, this would be a great time to cry, in a small class of 25 while we are in the middle of a class discussion." As many of you can relate tears seem to be elusive and nonexistent when it would be convenient to cry and yet come in abundance when it proves to be inconvenient or inappropriate. I put my head down thinking that the rush of emotions would subside along with the tears; subsiding was not in the cards though. My teacher called me out because my head was down and basically I ended up running out of class crying like a four year old. I sat and collected myself and just let the inward sadness run its course, which is healthy and glorifying to the Lord I think. Callie, a new friend and kind hearted sister in the faith, whom also is in my class, came outside and we just talked and I was able to be transparent with her. We prayed together and went back in. My teacher understood and was gracious to me; he new my intent was not to be disrespectful. I love his class and am usually extremely engaged which is probably why he sought my attention. All that to say, part of my "being okay" with being in College Station has been in at least being able to talk to my dad, and I haven't been able to. While I know you understand my sadness and my heart hurting, I have to be honest in that my hope cannot be in talking to my dad on a phone either. It must soley rest in Christ and His perfect love alone. I am learning still. The gospel has not failed me yet, but I often fail to embrace its beauty when it doesn't fit into what I call beautiful. It has been a week of feeling, good feelings, urgent feelings, sad feeling, feelings that made me laugh, and feelings that made me cry, but all perfect in his timing shaping me and molding me from the mess that I am into the full expression of who he created me to be, and I think that is beautiful. Pray for my travels tomorrow, I will get on the road around four and should make it back to Dallas around seven. I love you all very much.