Restless Tonight

Psalm 29:11 "The LORD gives strength to his people;

the LORD blesses his people with peace."

I am so tired but I can't sleep. I suppose this is normal in dealing with post death, but pretty new to me none the less. It is three in the morning and I have been tossing and turning for the last hour and a half. Thinking. My mind is just racing, not bad thoughts but a million of them. I think about heaven, God, my dad actually literally being there and not here, my mom, my brothers, I pray. I wait for calm but all I get is more thoughts. I went down stairs and got some water and then proceeded to find myself at my computer trying to pass this sleepless night. This is the most human I have felt during this whole ordeal...I know what you all are thinking, you ARE a human so that would be natural for you to feel human. Thank you, you have solved all of my problems. As well as my soul is I still dwell in this earthly body that isn't always at rest. I am a broken vessel with a Holy Spirit. What a paradox. It is similar to the meaning of Emanuel... "God with US". Now that is something that my mind could really go in circles with. Today was a great day, with another twenty-four hours of sobering truths, laughs, cries, sorrows, and joys. This messy life could only be made beautiful by way of our sweet Jesus, but because of him it truly is. There is beauty in him using me (the broken vessel that I am), there is beauty in life, and there is even beauty in death. Perhaps death is the most beautiful thing in life, ending our separation and shortcomings leading us to the very face of our Savior. Time hasn't for a second stopped or stood still even though I have from time to time. Can you believe that it has already been over a week since my precious daddy went to be with Jesus? I cannot. I was reading the 2 Corinthians passage that I shared at the funeral and thinking about the part that states that we always carry around in our bodies the death of Jesus and that is how I feel about my dad too. Even when I am laughing and having a good time it is still there, this hole in my heart, a missing puzzle piece. I am satisfied with Jesus it isn't a hole like that but more so just a piece that has been there ever since I have known this world and it was removed from my picture, or maybe his departure was another piece added in all actuality and it just feels like it is missing. Whatever all of this is, it is nothing I have ever felt before. Listen to me try to explain away my every raw emotion and feeling. You will have to forgive me; I do this sometimes. I am not in the least bit sleepy, even after I wrote...hmmmm that is usually a sure recipe for me to find my sleepy self again but I guess not tonight. I shall go sit with these feelings and pray. Sweetest dreams loved ones and I pray blessings over all of your sleep, because hopefully that is what you all are doing. XOXOXOXO.