Big City, Bigger Ocean, Small girl

I spent a week with the Vassars in New York and now I am in Cabo. I will tell you all about it when I get back! The city was wonderfully busy and the ocean's vastness leaves me speechless. I love you all and pray for you as the Lord brings you to mind. I am going back to College Station immediately upon my return. I think the flight gets in around four tomorrow and then I start summer school on Wednesday! The Lord has been so good to me, and I anticipate getting to tell you all about it! XOXOXOXO and blessings, Kimmy

Too many to Mention...

"Do not let ANY unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but ONLY what is helpful for building others up according to THEIR needs, that it may benefit those who listen." Ephesians 4: 29

The word I left out yesterday would be "some". "The reason SOME people don't bring it up..." There are many who do. The Lord has surrounded me with such a great cloud of witnesses and I am grateful. If I didn't mention your name, please know that I KNOW and APPRECIATE all of your prayers, love, and support. I was being EXTREMELY vulnerable and honest with some of the pain that I have been walking through when I wrote yesterday. I also must extend an additional "I am sorry" and "thank you". I am sorry if you are in my inner circle and feel like I have neglected you or the hurts and struggles that you are walking through. I am still learning to walk with this brokeness inside of me, and I haven't quite gotten the hang of it. Thank you for grace and patience. Thank you for seeing inside of me when I can't see outside of myself. I think that is what Jesus did. You all are like Jesus. I long to encourage you and love you any and every way the Lord stirs in me. I am going to work on a paper and to study now. This semester officially ends in less than 75 hours.

***Hello to Linda, Carrie, and the office; I miss you all and can't wait to see you when I get home! I think I will stop by for sure on Friday! Scott told me you all were cleaning out dad's office and I know that must have been hard. I am praying for you all! Love you!

Not so much Over As Still going On...

It wasn't so much a disease, a whole lot of hospital, a few hours at a funeral, or the week after, as it is an ongoing ever- present pain, thought, and new life. It is the air I am breathing. There still isn't a day that goes by that I don't cry. I am partially certain that the reason people don't bring it up is because they are scared they will upset me and they don't really know what to say. I guess the reality is... it is always going on in my head and heart through and there is no way for me to know that people are praying for me, thinking of me, and hurting with me unless they tell me. I sit in my room and it is strange. I hurt, am crying, and guess I am supposed to walk outside of these green walls and tell someone I am hurting and than walk back inside my room, curl up in my blanket, and feel it out. How does one grieve glorifying the Lord? It, like love, I don't think can be reduced to a simplistic formula or logical equation. It makes the people that are verbalizing their acknowledgement and love so special to me. Tori consistently hops over and checks on me; Cassi Mason would sit and listen to me talk forever and she is a newly discovered haven in my life. Chelsea provided endless laughter and a place to just feel sad when I don't feel happy. Whitney McDonald sends me cards in the mail, Mykla reads my blogs and is walking right along with me. Hallie encourages me with the most sincere love. They, along with MANY others, are all specific hands apart of the plan to prosper me and give me hope. And not to mention my sweet Jesus. I have come to appreciate HIS loyal presence, in a place where I feel so alone at times. I wouldn't trade the pain for anything though. With this intense authentic pain comes a real and intense love that I have never plunged the depths of. This life, I am learning, is a lot of give and take. What I am also finding is I don't have much to give, a lowly human, corrupt and depraved, selfish, quick to act like I can do it on my own, and quick to judge. What I take, I don't deserve. I take his life so I don't have to hide behind mine. I take his grace and freely walk. I take his blood and in return I experience meaning in the smallest of things. I take his strength so I can get out of bed in the morning. I take his hope that enables me to 'laugh at the days to come' and I take his hand as he leads me into unseen places. He is so good to me. I got to spend less than twenty-four hours with my two brothers, my precious mommy, my grandmother, and my aunt and uncles last night and this morning. It feels so good to talk and cry with them. There is still so much comfort in my mother's touch and my brother's big hugs. I am off to study now, finals you know?! I LOVE YOU ALL sweet family and Happy Mother’s Day to all of you wonderful remarkable moms!!!

As Iron Sharpens Iron

Proverbs 27: 17 "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."

I know one of the most amazing children of our Most High God. Her soul resides in the most engaging and beautiful body, which some people probably miss out on the rest of her because they stop there. But inside of her, that is where a beauty untold lie. Her deep brown eyes, hold so much mystery, so many tears, and the same compassion as when I dream of looking into Jesus' eyes. As she sat across the table from me last night speaking about working with Romanian orphans for the summer and how her heart actually physically aches for a heart that proclaims God's seen and unseen glory, I am certain that the Lord had the most radiant smile pouring over her. He adores this liitle one. It is special the way he loves her, cradles her, sends her, and moves her. She responds. Satan lies to her sometimes, trying to make her believe that her hands are too small to do this work, that she isn't getting the job done. Those of us who have had the privelage of her presence know the depths of the absurdity this is. Her hands may be small but He uses those delicate hands to paint the fine print and details of things that big hands could never do. And her laugh. I have never heard an angel laugh, not to my knowledge anyways, but I am convinced that it sounds something like her laugh. Her laugh is medicine to my soul. There are truly moments that I just long to listen to her giggle in joy, laughing uncontrollably over things told and secrets between she and her maker. She delights in the small things, which makes for contagious laughter throughout every hour of every day. She is honest. I will never forget the moment she really stole my heart. We were sitting in my apartment my sophomore year, and she let me in with such grace. She talked of her father's death, her family, her pain, her joy, and a million other things. She invites those around her to be apart of her sanctification and we are all better for it. She doesn't have a clue as to the greatness she is. Her very presence soothes me. I can cry with her and I don't have to explain what I am feeling because she knows and she can cry the very same tears, and does. I think there are a lot of people in the body that are quick to say, "Well, let me know if I can do anything..." I am certainly glad that Jesus didn't wait for everyone to start asking him that before he started preaching, saving, and healing. Like Jesus, she doesn't just throw the invitation for help out there, but rather she observes the person or situation, finds the need, and simply walks according to love and meeting others around her where they are at. She acts with such confidence and serves with the strength of her Father. She looks at the scars her heart bears and doesn't always see the redemptive work that has made them shine with beauty because of His touch. She is humble, not fake "look at me I am serving and I want everyone to see how humble I am humble", but true humility. The same kind that Jesus had to have to walk amongst us and to pour his life out on our behalf. She spurs me on towards love and good deeds. I love you Tori.

Counting Months

Yesterday I was at dinner, and someone said the date out loud, "May 2". That was all it took to send me right into the sad place that holds me captive with pensive thoughts about my precious father and the hole in my heart. Do you ever stop counting the months that the person you loved more than life has been temporarily seperated from you? Or when months turn into years, do you only remember years? I bet that is what happens because I used to think in terms of minutes and then hours and now have progressed to months. I think of him and smile, even though I am often smiling through tears that fall without warning or control. I would have given anything to talk to him yesterday. I felt sad and I was remembering him the Saturday before he went to be with Jesus, when he was telling me how much he loved me and my bubbies. I miss the sound of my name spilling from his lips, the sound of his heart beat, and his engaging embrace that made all my troubles dissolve into his love and protection for me. I was thinking about what he would have told me yesterday to make me feel better, and it did. I haven't dreamt about him in over a week and I know it may sound silly but I like dreaming about him. When he is in my dreams I feel like he is still with me, even if it is only in my sleep and for a short amount of time. Bittersweet. One weekend when I was home last semester my phone started ringing at 4:30 in the morning; I looked at who it was and it was my daddy's cell phone number. I got up and walked into his room to make sure he was okay and when I asked him if he needed anything he said no. He told me he just knew I was down the hall but he couldn't see me. He wanted to see me, he wanted my presence. He tucked me into his bed, next to my mom and he said, "That is what I wanted, all my girls right here with me." I will never forget that moment for the rest of my life. He sat in his chair and watched us sleep until morning came. That is what I miss. I miss his presence. I miss feeling like I am his five-year old naive, optimistic, unstained yet by the standards, temptations, and colors of this fallen world, little girl. My mom took his cell phone number upon retiring from Cingular and everytime she calls me, "daddy cell" appears on my phone's screen. Sometimes for a brief second I forget and my heart skips a beat and I can't wait to talk to him. I know I should change it but I just can't bring myself to do that yet. I really miss him a whole lot.

Updates...

OKAY... well for those of you so sacrificially prayed for me- WE MADE IT! I got through the week of four test. I took a much needed five our nap yesterday. I operate in list form so forgive me for the need of structure.

David Gilbert: This is my new friend and brother David. He was diagnosed with cancer this last summer and is back in treatments. He, from what I hear, is feeling pretty ill from the chemo he is receiving. Katie Bentel told me he just received a "prayer pager" and whenever someone is praying for him they call and it buzzes. There really is something to not feeling alone. I bet it buzzes so much it annoys him : ) (that is what I hope anyways) My heart obviously hurts for him in ways that it never could prior to walking through the disease with my daddy. I want you all to be so encouraged by David's great faith. He never complains or ask why? He often is the one who encourages others, funny how that happens sometimes. Let us keep his family in mind as well.

Amanda Cox: This is part of an e-mail her sister Erin sent me... "Amanda went to the doctor yesterday for her follow up. They removed some of the stitches from her neck. Her cut is about 8" along her collar -bone.
They informed her that the right lobe of her thyroid was completely ate up
with cancer and it had spread to the left lobe. THANK GOD they decided to
remove the whole thyroid because the original plan was to just remove the
right side. There are a few lympnodes that have cancerous cells in them
that they did not get. HOPEFULLY the radiation will kill what is left in
her little body. She is staying strong." We are HOPING and PRAYING that every single cancerous cell will be taken away!!!!

As I pray about these two individuals, I am once again faced with my mortality. Amanda and David are both so young, so courageous, so full of life, and I can't help but to think, even now, how I sometimes feel so removed from these things... like this could never happen to me. The Lord is abundantly patient with me and my limited human mind. I run around like I am in control and calling the shots all to often. Both of their stories stop me in my tracks, point me towards the cross, and cause me to walk confidently in my Jesus rather than in "Kim". We are his workmanship, his craft, made to do his work, and to LOVE & KNOW him deeply. That is all that matters in the end and now anyways. In the last month that my dad was here on this earth, he would start talking to me about "the office" or "work" and then he just stopped and looked at me and would say things like... "Oh, it is all going to be taken care of and go on without me...they really have been for a long time anyways. All that matters now and ever really should have mattered is that I love my God and that He loves me." Isn't it nice how simple life becomes when we look at the cross. I long to gaze upon the cross and the life and love that it brings into every single detail of the time the Lord has us dwelling in these earthly tents. The simplicity of the cross that breeds a life, death, and love that I can never grasp the depths of, covers me, moves me, and makes me whole. We are doing well. God is good, too good for these things called words. I am two finals and one paper away from the semester that I didn't want to be apart of in the first place. God knew that I could do it because He knew that He would do it and so here we are today. Thanks again for the prayers. I feel them everyday inside of me. I love you little family... Kimmy