"Something quite unexpected has happened. It came this morning early. For various reasons, not in themselves at all mysterious, my heart was lighter than it had been for many weeks. For one thing, I suppose I am recovering physically from a good deal of mere exhaustion. And I’d had a very tiring but very healthy twelve hours the day before, and a sounder night’s sleep; and after ten days of low-hung grey skies and motionless warm dampness, the sun was shining and there was a light breeze. And suddenly at the very moment when, so far, I mourned H. least, I remembered best. Indeed it was something (almost) better than memory; an instantaneous, unanswerable impression. To say it was like a meeting would be going too far. Yet there was that in it which tempts one to use those words. It was as if the lifting of the sorrow removed a barrier."
-C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed
I truly feel like I have grown up about ten years in the last two. The last couple of years have consisted of much loss and much gain. Some of us have lost great loves and while still wrapping up the wounds from the last seemingly lost battle, been thrown into new quests for love. My family lost a great man, a husband, a father, a most loyal friend, but have gained an understanding of our God who purposes these trials for his glory, a deeper appreciation for each other, and an eternal perspective that leaves no room for foolish complaining. We have and continue to learn what joy in the midst of trials looks like and how to give thanks in ALL circumstances. There has been much lost but much more gained. I say that there has been more gained because I know that so much of the Lord’s work he has and continues to do cannot be seen by my human eyes. Amazing. Sometimes I still feel so lost in it all: lost in the pain, lost in the longing for his holding embrace, and lost in the memory of the way he smelled of clean soap, starched work shirts, and cologne. Though I feel lost at times I rest in the reality that I am always found. I am found by a God that isn’t afraid of my feelings, no matter how dismal and dark they may be. I am found by a ‘great cloud of witnesses’ that surround me, love me, pray for me, carry me, and walk out into the mud where I got stuck and if they can’t get me out of it they sit down in it with me. All that to say my heart is actually lighter. After expecting Christmas to be unbearable and being surprised by joy and the Lord’s blessing of a new season for my heart, I returned to school feeling lighter than I had for over a year and a half. PRAISE THE LORD… I weep with joy that the Lord heard my cry. I wish you all could have seen how bad it felt. (Not really because I am not one of those cute little criers , my nose gets snotty and my face turns really red and well it is just bad trust me.) Anyways I woke up Monday morning the week before I came home for Christmas and just wept in my floor, BEGGING the Lord to move me from the intense sadness that had seemingly taken up permanent residency in my heart. I wanted so badly not to forget my daddy, but to be able to think of him without falling into the throws of an emotional breakdown. The only words I could muster up and offer to the Lord were, “I can’t stay here anymore. I know I have said and thought that before but Lord really, you have to move me.” And he did. It may have been arrogant to tell God that but it was honest or maybe it was him bringing me to the lowest point and a mutual acknowledgement of how I felt and his knowledge of His own character; he knew he was going to move me to a new place that day. So I would still say that this new place is where I am. Is this my forever now? I don’t know about tomorrow, but I am rejoicing in what is today. Textbooks and formulas break grieving up into stages, and while there may be some truth to that, I refuse to see my dealing with my dad’s departure in terms of a twelve- step program. In my heart these methods are constraints that cheapen this experience and what the Lord is doing (that is just me though…) I feel like the blind man who when Jesus wiped his eyes with mud, was given his sight. I am seeing everything for the first time. I am like a grateful heart on overload. I probably scare some people because my heart cannot help but tell people in detail the greatness that they are. I want everyone to know and feel loved by God. I am unworthy of each new day he gives me and the gift of love he lavishes on me through so many people and simple blessings around me…. A fluffy blanket, a living word from the Lord this morning, a good night’s sleep with a lazy Saturday, a delightful meal with the Hix family, a new pot of coffee from Katie (muffin), a glass of wine and a peaceful porch evening with the Polings, watching Meredith (four year old neighbor) loose her first tooth and anticipate the tooth fairy, feeling pain which tells me that I am really alive, an entire weekend with my family and close friends, an overdue phone conversation with Ginger Vassar, and the list could literally go on forever. When Moses was leading the Israelites to the Promise land they complained of hunger and the Lord gave them manna every single morning and quail in the evening. He told them not take more than they needed for each day. That is it… manna for today. Lord, you are good and manna for today is more than enough. You are our portion and we will hope and wait on you alone.
“The Lord is good to those whose hope him, to the one who seeks him; it is good wait quietly on the salvation of the Lord.” - Lamentations 3:25-26
The excerpts on this page are from a book called A Grief Observed, and was written by C.S. Lewis when his wife, Joy (H. in the book) died of cancer. These are his personal accounts with this thing called grief. I have found much comfort in his thoughts and feelings.
"I think I am beginning to understand why grief feels like suspense. It comes from the frustration of so many impulses that had become habitual. Thought after thought, feeling after feeling, action after action, had H. for their object. Now their target is gone. I keep on through habit fitting an arrow to the string; then I remember and have to lay the bow down. So many roads lead thought to H. I set out on one of them. But now there’s an impassable frontier-post across it. So many roads once; now so many culs de sac." -C.S. Lewis
Hooper family updates…
Todd: CONGRATULATIONS to him… he passed the second part of the CPA exam. He has worked and studied so hard. He is getting a much firmer grasp on how things are done at the firm and creates a hopefully healthy competitive rivalry with Scott? You two be nice to each other.
Scott: SCOTT IS DOING GREAT. It has been fun to watch him take on life with such vigor and passion. He is really coming into his own, a natural born leader. He takes care of me so well. Pray for both he and Todd (Carrie and Linda also) as tax season is in full swing… APRIL 15th is almost here!!! Please pray for diligence and sanity for all of them!
Margie (Marmi): She is actually in Mexico with about 15 of her sorority sisters this weekend! She is doing so well and still enjoying work. Continue to pray for her as life still doesn’t feel completely adjusted. I love you marmi a million sweedish fish.
Me: I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. After a lot of praying and searching it looks like I am not going to New York, not yet anyways. I will be finishing school in August and then moving to Dallas. Right now I am finishing up this semester, taking a Maymester in Dallas, Summer one in College Station, Paris-France for Summer two and then a diploma…hopefully ☺ hehehee…. I am looking for jobs right now and waiting. I just want to be obedient and trust in the Lord’s faithfulness.
***We love you all. I apologize that it has been so long since I have taken the time to sit and write. May the Lord bless you and lavish you with His goodness…. Love love.
