Every day is made New

Because of who you are and who I am in you,
You make all things pure,
Because of who you are and who I am in you,
You make all things true,
You make all things new...

And Im so thankful for this life that I know,
That I am no longer what I was,
Because of your love and the beauty of the cross,
I can see your work in me!
-Watermark, "All things New"

It has been a difficult couple of weeks and I think this summer is going to be one of healing and restoration. I should start with my new roommates. Amazing. The Lord is so crafty when it comes to the works of his hands and the execution of his will. My decision to move into the Dexter house with girls I didn't really know has clearly been a blessing and one of obedience. There is a spirit of unity that is nothing short of the inner workings of the Holy Spirit. If you walked into our house you would think that we have all been friends for years. The way they love me, pray for me, comfort me, really see me, and laugh with me breathe life into parts of my heart that have felt somewhat dead for a while. I dropped one of my classes and was going to continue the other one until I realized that I had tested out of it when I was still in high school. Lovely. So no more school right now. I want to tell you guys a little bit about some big changes that are about to start taking place. I, after much consideration and prayer, have decided to start counseling with a lady that my church family here recommended named Beth Roe. She is a Christian with a formal practice. I start this Tuesday at 2:00pm. I came to this decision a while back and am just now getting around to starting it. I wanted to start counseling for a couple of reasons, one being that I feel like I arrive to points where I am like, "Oh I feel this because of that..." and so forth, which is a good thing but I am hopeful that I will reach those points a little faster by talking my way through them. And two I feel like if part of the reason we encounter trials and hardships is to be able to comfort others who are going through similar adversities, then wouldn't it be beneficial to know more about what I am going through. The Lord has humbled me and brought me to a place to reach beyond my own capabilities. He reminded me that seeking godly wise counsel is a good thing and so here we go...
My mom got into College Station today and will be staying until Wednesday. She just purchased a new travel trailer and is at the RV Park. Hysterical. She never ceases to amaze me with her carefree spirit and willingness to move forward. She braves new adventures with such passion and courage. Her beloved friend Jo-Beth came with her and we all cooked dinner with them tonight. "We all,” being my new roommates. I just love people. I love laughter and the subtle comforts of home that constantly surround me, whether it is a candle that my mom burns in our house or the type of dressing she buys for salads. Tonight was wonderful. I am about to tuck myself away into my comfy bed and rest up for another fun-filled day with the madre. These are the days. They are the days that are seen and the days that are given, they are good because he is abundantly good. I delight in what he is doing. Todd finishes school up in two weeks. Pray for him that he would finish strong. And Scott is going through kind of a lot right now, personal stuff and work stuff. They just amaze me. I am getting to stop and rest but they cannot. And I know that they need it equally as much but the Lord has something different in mind for them right now, and that something does not include stopping. Oh how I love you all. I pray that the Lord is showing himself to each and everyone of you and that he has given you new eyes to see things that seem old, in a whole new way. Isn't that the nature of our God? To make things all new... Lord we praise you for that, we praise you for new seasons, new reasons to laugh, new mercies, and brand new beginnings. We love you and we need you right now in this moment.

david.

At 3:30pm David went to be with Jesus. He suffered a stroke in the middle of the night last night and they took him off of the resperator at around three. He is there. His family is still here. Please pray for those still dwelling on this earth, his family and his friends. David was truly loved by so many and he is already greatly missed. I presume the service will be on Saturday. I will keep you posted. His believing has become seeing. Amazing.

A very Heavy heart.

“Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. (Vs. 23) They are new every morning; great is your Faithfulness. (Vs. 24) I say to myself, ‘The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.’ (Vs. 25) The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; (Vs. 26) It is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.” Lamentations 3: 22-26

I know that I have been a long time with the writings... I came back from Cabo and hit the ground running. I had already missed one day of class due to the trip and have since then only been in school for two weeks and we are approaching our midterm exams. Crazy. I will talk about the Hooper's in a second...

First things First... David Gilbert (a boy one year younger than me who attends A&M) has been back in the hospital for quite some time now. He is receiving his treatments and care at The Cancer research center in Houston. His white counts are low due to the Chemo and he is suffering from an infection. He is on a respirator. This all hits so close to home and I keep imagining his frail body and life held by the confident and steadfast hands of our Almighty God. Prayer is essential. I will let you all know as I get updates. David is amazing and LOVES the Lord, what relief this brings.

Okay so a couple of things... New York was amazing. It was so encouraging to see the city with new eyes and my dreams met a lot of realities. I have no idea what the Lord has in store for me regarding the big city but I am certainly able to pray with new insight. JR and Ginger were so inviting and wonderful, as they always are. We sat over dinner the night before we left (a box of delicious pizza) and it felt so much like home. It felt like home in every since of the word. I love our family of believers and that while we are away in the body we already have eternity actually dwelling inside of us banqueting over a table with others that will also take up permanent residency in heaven. Cabo was restful, relaxing, and very underserved. The Hix's were so kind to share their beautiful home and love with us for a week. It felt so good to sleep in and be with my mom. I hopefully will get around to posting some pictures soon.
And now the real updates about how we are doing... Scott is amazing. He is working and getting ready to be a husband to the wonderful Alison! They have been house hunting and are ready for the long distance to come to an end. I am just so in awe of him. He has taken on the roles of next in command with such care and precision. I feel like I have two dad's now and not just one. I have to answer the questions about the oil in my car, my checking account, and why I didn't call when I got somewhere to two boys now instead of just one. Please pray that Scott would be able to embrace each day one at a time. I don't know how he doesn't just get lost in it all. While he loves working in the office, it is sometimes impossible to escape sad feelings of being next door to what use to be my daddy's office.
Todd, got an "A" in his maymester and will be finishing his last class in graduate school in a couple of weeks. Todd is so brilliant. Scott calls Todd the dumbest smart kid in the world, as sometimes Todd can lacks in the common sense area(hehehe) I long for Todd to be in Rockwall and at home. My mom does too, however with Todd comes his two large labs Rowdy and Bear, which make the total lab count at 105 Shepherds Glen four labs in addition to Ali's maltipoo, Peaches. Todd is doing okay and we are all so proud of him for finishing school so diligently. Way to run and finish the race bubby!!!
Mommy,.. What a lady. While we were in Mexico mom was sad one night and I asked her what was going on. She told me that in light of Scotty's birthday (May 31st- he is 26!) she couldn't help but think about how thrilled she and my dad were when they found out they were pregnant. They had miscarried their first child and Scott was an even sweeter blessing. Sometimes I forget that they had this whole thing and life and relationship that had absolutely nothing to do with us. Which I am convinced is why they had such a fruitful marriage. They never forgot to take care of each other first and thus could love us so much better. She was telling me the look of pride in my dad's eyes and a undeniable acknowledgement of something so much greater than the two of them that could make such a miracle, a child of their own flesh and blood. "It was like at first it was just the two of us and then there were people..." hehe. I laughed. That is how babies are made I guess... My heart hurts for her in such a different way than it does for me and my brothers. I love you mom. I LOVE YOU MOMMY! i love you. I really do. She amazes me and encompasses unconditional love in a way I have never seen replicated. Her friends continue to be the body of Christ, loving her, protecting her, sharing meals with her, and praying for her.
I am doing okay. I am in it, so to speak. There is an actual physical pain in my heart and I have these moments that I find myself thinking to the Lord, bargaining with him almost. I tell him that I would do anything to talk to my daddy just one more time. ANYthing. It isn't rational, but true love never has been. All the while I smile at the TRUTH that there will be a day. There will be a day when my faith will be turned into seeing with my own eyes and cement that I once walked on will be transformed into gold, and the man that shares my genetic make-up will once again be more than pictures and amazing memories. He, like Jesus, I will see and touch in a whole new way. I am smiling through my tears. I can hardly wait. I want everyone to go to this place. I want the orphan that has Aids in Africa whose time is quickly running out to be set free and to know the truth about the God that so purposefully made them to go to this prepared place. I want the disease- infested, starving dying people in the trenches of Calcutta India to go to this place, to banquet at the table with a feast unfathomable. And I want the people of civil unrest and political riots in Bolivia due to their natural gas crisis, in which some have died, to know a never ending peace breathed by God. I want the Muslim girl in my class last semester to know our Jesus. This is not our home and we remain hopeful in our Jesus, His kingdom and ever so Confident in his consuming love and faithfulness.
I love you all and long to see you again. Your prayers and encouragement are always received with a heart that doesn’t think it could keep going without them. all my love....Kimmy

Big City, Bigger Ocean, Small girl

I spent a week with the Vassars in New York and now I am in Cabo. I will tell you all about it when I get back! The city was wonderfully busy and the ocean's vastness leaves me speechless. I love you all and pray for you as the Lord brings you to mind. I am going back to College Station immediately upon my return. I think the flight gets in around four tomorrow and then I start summer school on Wednesday! The Lord has been so good to me, and I anticipate getting to tell you all about it! XOXOXOXO and blessings, Kimmy

Too many to Mention...

"Do not let ANY unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but ONLY what is helpful for building others up according to THEIR needs, that it may benefit those who listen." Ephesians 4: 29

The word I left out yesterday would be "some". "The reason SOME people don't bring it up..." There are many who do. The Lord has surrounded me with such a great cloud of witnesses and I am grateful. If I didn't mention your name, please know that I KNOW and APPRECIATE all of your prayers, love, and support. I was being EXTREMELY vulnerable and honest with some of the pain that I have been walking through when I wrote yesterday. I also must extend an additional "I am sorry" and "thank you". I am sorry if you are in my inner circle and feel like I have neglected you or the hurts and struggles that you are walking through. I am still learning to walk with this brokeness inside of me, and I haven't quite gotten the hang of it. Thank you for grace and patience. Thank you for seeing inside of me when I can't see outside of myself. I think that is what Jesus did. You all are like Jesus. I long to encourage you and love you any and every way the Lord stirs in me. I am going to work on a paper and to study now. This semester officially ends in less than 75 hours.

***Hello to Linda, Carrie, and the office; I miss you all and can't wait to see you when I get home! I think I will stop by for sure on Friday! Scott told me you all were cleaning out dad's office and I know that must have been hard. I am praying for you all! Love you!

Not so much Over As Still going On...

It wasn't so much a disease, a whole lot of hospital, a few hours at a funeral, or the week after, as it is an ongoing ever- present pain, thought, and new life. It is the air I am breathing. There still isn't a day that goes by that I don't cry. I am partially certain that the reason people don't bring it up is because they are scared they will upset me and they don't really know what to say. I guess the reality is... it is always going on in my head and heart through and there is no way for me to know that people are praying for me, thinking of me, and hurting with me unless they tell me. I sit in my room and it is strange. I hurt, am crying, and guess I am supposed to walk outside of these green walls and tell someone I am hurting and than walk back inside my room, curl up in my blanket, and feel it out. How does one grieve glorifying the Lord? It, like love, I don't think can be reduced to a simplistic formula or logical equation. It makes the people that are verbalizing their acknowledgement and love so special to me. Tori consistently hops over and checks on me; Cassi Mason would sit and listen to me talk forever and she is a newly discovered haven in my life. Chelsea provided endless laughter and a place to just feel sad when I don't feel happy. Whitney McDonald sends me cards in the mail, Mykla reads my blogs and is walking right along with me. Hallie encourages me with the most sincere love. They, along with MANY others, are all specific hands apart of the plan to prosper me and give me hope. And not to mention my sweet Jesus. I have come to appreciate HIS loyal presence, in a place where I feel so alone at times. I wouldn't trade the pain for anything though. With this intense authentic pain comes a real and intense love that I have never plunged the depths of. This life, I am learning, is a lot of give and take. What I am also finding is I don't have much to give, a lowly human, corrupt and depraved, selfish, quick to act like I can do it on my own, and quick to judge. What I take, I don't deserve. I take his life so I don't have to hide behind mine. I take his grace and freely walk. I take his blood and in return I experience meaning in the smallest of things. I take his strength so I can get out of bed in the morning. I take his hope that enables me to 'laugh at the days to come' and I take his hand as he leads me into unseen places. He is so good to me. I got to spend less than twenty-four hours with my two brothers, my precious mommy, my grandmother, and my aunt and uncles last night and this morning. It feels so good to talk and cry with them. There is still so much comfort in my mother's touch and my brother's big hugs. I am off to study now, finals you know?! I LOVE YOU ALL sweet family and Happy Mother’s Day to all of you wonderful remarkable moms!!!

As Iron Sharpens Iron

Proverbs 27: 17 "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."

I know one of the most amazing children of our Most High God. Her soul resides in the most engaging and beautiful body, which some people probably miss out on the rest of her because they stop there. But inside of her, that is where a beauty untold lie. Her deep brown eyes, hold so much mystery, so many tears, and the same compassion as when I dream of looking into Jesus' eyes. As she sat across the table from me last night speaking about working with Romanian orphans for the summer and how her heart actually physically aches for a heart that proclaims God's seen and unseen glory, I am certain that the Lord had the most radiant smile pouring over her. He adores this liitle one. It is special the way he loves her, cradles her, sends her, and moves her. She responds. Satan lies to her sometimes, trying to make her believe that her hands are too small to do this work, that she isn't getting the job done. Those of us who have had the privelage of her presence know the depths of the absurdity this is. Her hands may be small but He uses those delicate hands to paint the fine print and details of things that big hands could never do. And her laugh. I have never heard an angel laugh, not to my knowledge anyways, but I am convinced that it sounds something like her laugh. Her laugh is medicine to my soul. There are truly moments that I just long to listen to her giggle in joy, laughing uncontrollably over things told and secrets between she and her maker. She delights in the small things, which makes for contagious laughter throughout every hour of every day. She is honest. I will never forget the moment she really stole my heart. We were sitting in my apartment my sophomore year, and she let me in with such grace. She talked of her father's death, her family, her pain, her joy, and a million other things. She invites those around her to be apart of her sanctification and we are all better for it. She doesn't have a clue as to the greatness she is. Her very presence soothes me. I can cry with her and I don't have to explain what I am feeling because she knows and she can cry the very same tears, and does. I think there are a lot of people in the body that are quick to say, "Well, let me know if I can do anything..." I am certainly glad that Jesus didn't wait for everyone to start asking him that before he started preaching, saving, and healing. Like Jesus, she doesn't just throw the invitation for help out there, but rather she observes the person or situation, finds the need, and simply walks according to love and meeting others around her where they are at. She acts with such confidence and serves with the strength of her Father. She looks at the scars her heart bears and doesn't always see the redemptive work that has made them shine with beauty because of His touch. She is humble, not fake "look at me I am serving and I want everyone to see how humble I am humble", but true humility. The same kind that Jesus had to have to walk amongst us and to pour his life out on our behalf. She spurs me on towards love and good deeds. I love you Tori.

Counting Months

Yesterday I was at dinner, and someone said the date out loud, "May 2". That was all it took to send me right into the sad place that holds me captive with pensive thoughts about my precious father and the hole in my heart. Do you ever stop counting the months that the person you loved more than life has been temporarily seperated from you? Or when months turn into years, do you only remember years? I bet that is what happens because I used to think in terms of minutes and then hours and now have progressed to months. I think of him and smile, even though I am often smiling through tears that fall without warning or control. I would have given anything to talk to him yesterday. I felt sad and I was remembering him the Saturday before he went to be with Jesus, when he was telling me how much he loved me and my bubbies. I miss the sound of my name spilling from his lips, the sound of his heart beat, and his engaging embrace that made all my troubles dissolve into his love and protection for me. I was thinking about what he would have told me yesterday to make me feel better, and it did. I haven't dreamt about him in over a week and I know it may sound silly but I like dreaming about him. When he is in my dreams I feel like he is still with me, even if it is only in my sleep and for a short amount of time. Bittersweet. One weekend when I was home last semester my phone started ringing at 4:30 in the morning; I looked at who it was and it was my daddy's cell phone number. I got up and walked into his room to make sure he was okay and when I asked him if he needed anything he said no. He told me he just knew I was down the hall but he couldn't see me. He wanted to see me, he wanted my presence. He tucked me into his bed, next to my mom and he said, "That is what I wanted, all my girls right here with me." I will never forget that moment for the rest of my life. He sat in his chair and watched us sleep until morning came. That is what I miss. I miss his presence. I miss feeling like I am his five-year old naive, optimistic, unstained yet by the standards, temptations, and colors of this fallen world, little girl. My mom took his cell phone number upon retiring from Cingular and everytime she calls me, "daddy cell" appears on my phone's screen. Sometimes for a brief second I forget and my heart skips a beat and I can't wait to talk to him. I know I should change it but I just can't bring myself to do that yet. I really miss him a whole lot.

Updates...

OKAY... well for those of you so sacrificially prayed for me- WE MADE IT! I got through the week of four test. I took a much needed five our nap yesterday. I operate in list form so forgive me for the need of structure.

David Gilbert: This is my new friend and brother David. He was diagnosed with cancer this last summer and is back in treatments. He, from what I hear, is feeling pretty ill from the chemo he is receiving. Katie Bentel told me he just received a "prayer pager" and whenever someone is praying for him they call and it buzzes. There really is something to not feeling alone. I bet it buzzes so much it annoys him : ) (that is what I hope anyways) My heart obviously hurts for him in ways that it never could prior to walking through the disease with my daddy. I want you all to be so encouraged by David's great faith. He never complains or ask why? He often is the one who encourages others, funny how that happens sometimes. Let us keep his family in mind as well.

Amanda Cox: This is part of an e-mail her sister Erin sent me... "Amanda went to the doctor yesterday for her follow up. They removed some of the stitches from her neck. Her cut is about 8" along her collar -bone.
They informed her that the right lobe of her thyroid was completely ate up
with cancer and it had spread to the left lobe. THANK GOD they decided to
remove the whole thyroid because the original plan was to just remove the
right side. There are a few lympnodes that have cancerous cells in them
that they did not get. HOPEFULLY the radiation will kill what is left in
her little body. She is staying strong." We are HOPING and PRAYING that every single cancerous cell will be taken away!!!!

As I pray about these two individuals, I am once again faced with my mortality. Amanda and David are both so young, so courageous, so full of life, and I can't help but to think, even now, how I sometimes feel so removed from these things... like this could never happen to me. The Lord is abundantly patient with me and my limited human mind. I run around like I am in control and calling the shots all to often. Both of their stories stop me in my tracks, point me towards the cross, and cause me to walk confidently in my Jesus rather than in "Kim". We are his workmanship, his craft, made to do his work, and to LOVE & KNOW him deeply. That is all that matters in the end and now anyways. In the last month that my dad was here on this earth, he would start talking to me about "the office" or "work" and then he just stopped and looked at me and would say things like... "Oh, it is all going to be taken care of and go on without me...they really have been for a long time anyways. All that matters now and ever really should have mattered is that I love my God and that He loves me." Isn't it nice how simple life becomes when we look at the cross. I long to gaze upon the cross and the life and love that it brings into every single detail of the time the Lord has us dwelling in these earthly tents. The simplicity of the cross that breeds a life, death, and love that I can never grasp the depths of, covers me, moves me, and makes me whole. We are doing well. God is good, too good for these things called words. I am two finals and one paper away from the semester that I didn't want to be apart of in the first place. God knew that I could do it because He knew that He would do it and so here we are today. Thanks again for the prayers. I feel them everyday inside of me. I love you little family... Kimmy

CHEERS!

Last night my whole family met in Dallas with tons of my mom's co-workers to celebrate her retirement. It was so amazing to listen to people that I don't even know stand up and talk about my mom. Some things I knew, but others I had never heard. One thing is certain; we all agree... She is a remarkable woman, full of compassion, loyalty, diligence, ambition, and love. The whole idea of celebrating my mom's accomplishments in front of her- WITH HER was brilliant. Why do we sometimes wait for a funeral to say nice affirming things about a person? Last night we got to praise my mom for being the awesome lady she is, and hopefully spurred her on for the next phase of her life. She is hardly slowing down and like always, has a hundred things going on. She is redecorating the house, working at her new job (I like to refer to her as Madam President), has quite a full social calendar, and still finds time to be my best friend and loyal mom. I love her. (Mom, If you are reading this... I LOVE YOU!) We should all speak kinder. I wonder if everyone in my life knows how much I care for them and how obvious it is that the Lord created them just so, and how he loves them the same as he loves me- PERFECTLY. I should like to make an intentional point and the attempt to verbalize my love for the people that the Lord has placed in my path. Todd and Brennen took their test yesterday and Todd thinks it went well (I am not sure how Todd's friend Brennen feels?) Please pray for Todd and I as we finish up the semester. I have FOUR test and a paper due next week. It will surely be one of those weeks that when it's over you just kind of look around confused as to how you got through it and even more sure that their is a really big GOD. Not only do I have to take the test but I need to do well on them but no pressure! Scott survived his first tax season!!! Things are still crazy, extentions and normal monthly work but all is well on its way. I want you all to know that your prayers are heard, felt, and working. The very fact that my family is coping while working, studying, loving and just being is a testament to God's grace, patience, and his very real strength. Also please continue to pray for my grandmother (Jerrie), I talked to her for about an hour this week and she sounds okay. I know she still is deeply stricken with grief and sadness but is trying her hardest to continue in all her duties at home, as well as at her shop. She is so precious. What a wonderful hopeful life that we get to stumble through together. I can't imagine better brothers and sisters to walk with than you all. I love you and thank you for being the greatness you are!!!

***I have a new friend named David Gilbert (twenty year old from Texas A&M) and he was diagnosed with cancer this summer. After rigorous chemo the cancer seemingly left his body. It was rediscovered in his body about a month ago. He is at M.D. Anderson in Houston now and is fighting the good fight again. I will let you all know more as I receive news. He has amazing faith in His Jesus and hope pours from him.
***Amanda Cox, a girl I graduated from high-school with, just learned of her cancer too. She underwent surgery and will be starting treatment soon. She is so precious and I can only imagine scared to death.

I ASK AGAIN YOU ALL TO RISE UP AND PRAY!!! PRAY FOR HEALING, PRAY FOR STRENGTH, PRAY FOR THE REMOVAL OF FEAR! PRAY FOR THESE TWO TO BE COMFORTED BY THE ONE WHO MADE THEM.

I will keep you posted, BLESSINGS...

Paint by Number

Tori, my next door neighbor and dear friend, and I have something in common. We are both living with the absence of our earthly fathers. She popped over this evening just to have a little chat, and inquired about how I am doing. She looked at me with piercing eyes and said, "It's real." She knows. She knows that grieving is this actual thing that you have to do, and that she still does. She knows that it hurts. She knows that when all those around you have forgotten you still remember. It all becomes so vivid in my brain and vivid in my heart. The colors of love and pain and sorrow and joy all run together making the most unique sight on this once desolate canvas. The painter is painting a picture and right now it kind of feels like a big messy swirl, but I anticipate the finished framed masterpiece. For I rest assure that each color and stroke used are intentional and not by accident. I also acknowledge that sometimes I don't have eyes to see true art. I would rather look at a paint by number with all the spaces filled in just so, than something I don't understand. Abstract art is so interesting to me because I have to confess I don't always "get it" and if I am going to paint something I want it to be universally understood and to convey such obvious emotions. However some emotions are not all that obvious and too are complicated by a number of reasons and circumstances. I also get a kick out of Rothko... His work kind of reminds me of when I was little at restaraunts. I would get markers and make a big dot and then dispense a small drop of water onto the spot so it would bleed into the color next to it. And he is making money off of my napkin design from my childhood. Bottom line we all have a story, we all have a "blue period" (some have lots), we all change textures and shapes, and we mature as the Skilled one pushes the boundaries of what has been done, what isn't understood, and the expected as well as the unexpected. His work is better than mine. I would rather be remembered for His work than my fingerpainting. I find comfort in his craft and his perfection.

*Todd has a test today at 4:00pm (A BIG ONE) pray pray pray
*My family is doing well... you all are AMAZING!
all my love...

so life goes...

Home this weekend was wonderful. Playing in the pool, cooking out, and laughing a whole lot. I love these people that I did not chose, the institution that God so nicely placed me in. I loved them as well as home so much that coming back to College Station proved to be a bit tougher than usual. I was sad. My living arrangements for next year fell through, and I had two test this week. I just wanted to kick something. So I had myself a good cry, a good sandwich, and a good prayer time. God is real and provides real comfort that sustains me. It is all settling in a bit more, and it still is sad to think about my precious daddy not a phone call, e-mail, or three hour drive away. People tell me that in time, the really bad hurt doesn't ever go away but will subside in taking up residency in my heart near as often. I am tired however can I just tell you that I got the best sleep last night that I have gotten in over two months. It was eight and a half hours long, non-stop, no jaw hurting, deep sleep with dreams, and I woke up feeling like a new person. Please praise our Jesus for this, I feel like what I would imagine, a new mom feels like when her newborn sleeps his/her first night the whole way through. I hope this is one many good sleeps to come. I miss Todd. I haven't seen him in three weeks. I have spoken with him often but phones never have done it for me. I have one more test tomorrow, a make-up exam on Monday and then I am all caught up other than a paper that I can turn in whenvever. You are such a loyal and faithful family. Your compassion and willingness to walk with me and my family moment by moment through this thing called love, grief, and life blesses me more than you know and more than I could ever convey. Sweetest dreams and all my love...

a love story today

"O God, grant me a faith to be healed, and a faith to be delivered but above all a FAITH TO TRUST. You are not only good but you know nothing else but goodness. I will never taste death because of the life you have given me, hidden in the cross and saturated with your blood. I will only know ABUNDANT life, here and now and later in heaven with you."

This is an excerpt from my prayer journal from about a week ago. Can you believe my dad has already been with Jesus for over a month? It is crazy how quickly sand in this glass timer seeps out while we are living this life, that is but a breath. I am so tired. I mean so tired. I wasn't having serious trouble sleepling until this week. I can't go to sleep at night and I wake up after about three hours. My jaw hurts, abnormally and I feel like I am biting a stick when I sleep and I catch myself clenching my teeth throughout the day. I started praying about all of these things thinking maybe they were symptoms to a greater problem stirring in my heart, and well I just don't know. I think this is just hard. Nothing fancy or poetic, but certainly real...Real pain and sleepless nights that are ever before me. The Lord has been so gentle and caring with my heart. I was thinking about great love stories like Romeo and Juliet and how he would deny everything just to be with his Juliet, for her to really know his affection and loyalty to her. Jesus has been courting me for some time now, pursuing me, not pushing me. He doesn't want my love or tenderness to be demanded and taken captive, or out of obligation in the context of a relationship or contract. I am kind of funny in that I like to do things on my own, submitting to the love of my life, when I am walking in my pride, proves to be a difficult task. The Lord lets me wallow in my sick pride long enough for me to realize that I don't want me and I really just want him. All this to say in a very roundabout way, my heart has become so tender to Christ's sweet love and longing for me to feel safe, comforted, renewed and a strong sense of hope. When I think about all of the complilcated things going on in my life I get overwhelmed, I do not and cannot look at the cover of the box of the puzzle that is my life AND he is putting one small piece in front of me at a time. He has spaced my test out, giving my teacher's patient hearts, and is comforting me in the most specific and subtle ways throughout my day. He is speaking to me through his word, and it is more than just keeping me alive but giving me energy that I know biologically I do not have and my body cannot create. He has been so patient with me... waiting for me, loving me more than his own life, and he believes in me. He believes that I can make it and will be better for it, for that is my sanctification. I love my Jesus and He loves me. I want to share with you the word he gave me this morning, a familiiar verse that blessed me this morning in a whole new way...

Philippians 3: 12-14 "Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. (13) Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, (14) I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

I pray that we would just LOVE our God and let him deal with the details, submitting to his craft as he writes the details of our life. I pray for an authentic sense of freedom, joy, hope, protection, and peace today that can only come from a pure unadulterous love, the love of our heavenly Father.

I love you all and can't wait until we are all seated at the same banqueting table, I miss you all... blessings

good water

John 4: 13-14 "Jesus replied, 'People soon become thirsty again after drinking this water. But the water I give them takes away thirst altogether. It become a perpetual spirit within them, giving them eternal life."

I write you with great conviction about this water that takes away thirst and how as a child of God I still am thirsty at times. I love imagery, word pictures if you will. I was thinking about my dad and how he doesn't "want" anymore. He doesn't want anything because he has EVERYTHING in Christ, in heaven. As I was envying my dad's completeness and intimacy with his maker, Christ interrupted my thoughts reminding me of the blood he shed and the Holy Spirit that LITERALLY dwells in me, as I type this HIS spirit is actually and truly INSIDE OF ME making my earthly shell it's temporary home, FOR THAT VERY REASON: I shall WANT No more. The pursuit of holiness and a relationship with Christ is one of this nature. Christ didn't want us to have to wait, that is why he gave his son and His inhabiting spirit. This is the water that takes away thirst altogether. I have really been thinking about our community in the faith and why some people loathe our family...I have decided that what an unbelieving world finds unbelievable about our God is not that we make mistakes sometimes but that if our God is really who we say he is, Sovereign, Perfect, and good and stuff, then why do we worry like the rest of the world. Why do I panic, why do we "stress out" why do we fear anything? If our family was one that exuded peace that transcended all understanding because we were in love with a God that surpassed understanding, One that we truly relied on and trusted in, then that is something that would make us believable, when the overflow of our hearts confessed the truth about Christ control and his prevailing will oppose to our cute bible verses that we tape up and yet continue to freak out, stress out, and try to take control because God just isn't really "doing the job". I stand before you, actually hiding behind my computer, and confessing guilty. Lord give me a heart that truly trust you. If I can trust you with my eternal destination and my heart then perhaps I can trust you with my busy schedule and the test I have on Tuesday. Increase my faith, be big because I am so small and be strong because I am very weak.

Thank you for your continued prayers...
1) Scott, Carrie, and Linda are working away... pray for their sanity and for Linda and Carrie's families. Work is taxing, long, and stressful right now for them all and pray especially for Scott's diligence and that he wouldn't be discouraged. He jumped into the deep end upon starting work. I LOVE YOU BUBBY!
2) My mom is a super star- she is seemingly doing well, just pray for her sweet heart that the Lord would continue to sustain her and comfort her... I think she starts at the Chamber this week!
3) Todd is finishing up his school, and is doing well. Pray for him as he still feels so far away. Pray also for his friends... Breenen Teel is one of Todd's dearest friends and is (and has) portraying the kind of friend I think Jesus wants us to be...unconditional, compassionate, and provides a lot of laughs for our whole family! The Lord is blessing Todd I am certain... LOVE YOU TOO BUBBY!

I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH AND PRAY FOR YOU AS I REMEMBER YOU THROUGHOUT MY DAY! blessings family...

Back to the Real World

My eyes were puffy, having cried the whole way back to College Station. Life doesn't stop and here I am. Scott is working hard and Todd drove back to Lubbock today. This was the first night that my mom stayed home alone. I prayed and am praying even now that she feels peace and comfort in our Jesus. Pam is next door, Mia (the dog) is in her bed, and Paula and Bobbie are down the street. If she needs a tangible touch I am confident they will be there. Aren't true friends huge blessings? YES! I am going to be able to manage my school fine. The Lord knows what he is doing and the details of what I have missed are falling into place perfectly. I get to be diligent and purposeful here for two more days and will be going home on Thursday! I can hardly wait. I am sad. I miss my dad. My life as I have only known it for the last 21 years will never be the same. My dad isn't sad at all. Who knows what that complete healed creation is doing right now? I don't know but I can dream in vivid colors and imagine the impossible. He is loving His Jesus and cannot wait for me to join him. My God is real. I love you all and will write soon! Sweetest dreams!

Evidence

It is evident that Christ is not only real but that he truly cares about me (and you and all of his creations). I am walking through the hardest time in my life and yet his grace increases, as is his strength. I have dreams and they aren't bad but definitely a reflection of what is going on in my life. I think I have dreamed about my dad every night for the last week. They aren't even sad dreams but more so just dreams that he is in. Two night ago I gave him a sponge bath while he was in his little hospital robe. He used to love those because he always felt gross in the hospital and the warm sponges were delightful to the touch. Last night he wrote me a letter and I got it in the mail after he had already passed away. My mom tried to tell me if must not be from him and everyone told me that I was crazy, but I just knew it was real and so I hid my letter and for some reason I thought it was completely normal for him to have sent me a letter from heaven. I miss him. Mom and I keep getting stuff in the mail for him, and I had ordered these tables about a month ago so my dad wouldn't have to come down stairs to eat and they just got here last week. It still doesn't seem completely real. Pretty standard textbook emotions, but new to me none the less. My mom and I have just been hanging out. She is my best friend. We watched funny girl last night with Barbara Streisand and we are dying each other's roots tonight. Hers are gray and mine are blonde... don't tell her I said that or she will kill me, hehehe. Please pray for my mom; there are so many responsibilities that were so nicely handed to her upon my dad's departure and consequently some of those things are the last things you want to deal with, on top of dealing with the loss of a loved one. I think that is one of the wierdest things... these reeling emotions don't ever stop. You feel like everyone should know how your heart hurts, even that random guy who cut you off on the highway, and all of your bills should stop coming for at least two months. You should be exempt from life while dealing with the loss of a life. All of the people's taxes that my brother, Carrie, and Linda are doing shouldn't be due until June 15th. That is clearly not the Utopia we live in. Life keeps going and we press on by means of our Jesus. I love you all and thank you for your continued prayers and support, as we still miss our best friend, daddy, husband, and head of the household.

Restless Tonight

Psalm 29:11 "The LORD gives strength to his people;

the LORD blesses his people with peace."

I am so tired but I can't sleep. I suppose this is normal in dealing with post death, but pretty new to me none the less. It is three in the morning and I have been tossing and turning for the last hour and a half. Thinking. My mind is just racing, not bad thoughts but a million of them. I think about heaven, God, my dad actually literally being there and not here, my mom, my brothers, I pray. I wait for calm but all I get is more thoughts. I went down stairs and got some water and then proceeded to find myself at my computer trying to pass this sleepless night. This is the most human I have felt during this whole ordeal...I know what you all are thinking, you ARE a human so that would be natural for you to feel human. Thank you, you have solved all of my problems. As well as my soul is I still dwell in this earthly body that isn't always at rest. I am a broken vessel with a Holy Spirit. What a paradox. It is similar to the meaning of Emanuel... "God with US". Now that is something that my mind could really go in circles with. Today was a great day, with another twenty-four hours of sobering truths, laughs, cries, sorrows, and joys. This messy life could only be made beautiful by way of our sweet Jesus, but because of him it truly is. There is beauty in him using me (the broken vessel that I am), there is beauty in life, and there is even beauty in death. Perhaps death is the most beautiful thing in life, ending our separation and shortcomings leading us to the very face of our Savior. Time hasn't for a second stopped or stood still even though I have from time to time. Can you believe that it has already been over a week since my precious daddy went to be with Jesus? I cannot. I was reading the 2 Corinthians passage that I shared at the funeral and thinking about the part that states that we always carry around in our bodies the death of Jesus and that is how I feel about my dad too. Even when I am laughing and having a good time it is still there, this hole in my heart, a missing puzzle piece. I am satisfied with Jesus it isn't a hole like that but more so just a piece that has been there ever since I have known this world and it was removed from my picture, or maybe his departure was another piece added in all actuality and it just feels like it is missing. Whatever all of this is, it is nothing I have ever felt before. Listen to me try to explain away my every raw emotion and feeling. You will have to forgive me; I do this sometimes. I am not in the least bit sleepy, even after I wrote...hmmmm that is usually a sure recipe for me to find my sleepy self again but I guess not tonight. I shall go sit with these feelings and pray. Sweetest dreams loved ones and I pray blessings over all of your sleep, because hopefully that is what you all are doing. XOXOXOXO.

Cute little daddy, It dawned on me that many of you who, had prayed so diligently for the man, had never seen him or met him.
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This is my daddy, and the way I will forever remember him
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Happy Belated Birthday

Psalm 145: 8-9 "The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love. (9)The Lord is good to all; he has compassion on all he has made."

As I finished writing yesterday, I accidentally deleted the entire entry...that's technology for you. I opted to let it go and pick it back up tomorrow. Yesterday was my daddy's 55th birthday. The day we got home from the hospital, the day of his departure, McKelvey, a family friend in the fifth grade, looked up at me and kind of smiled. She said, "It's kind of cool that he died close to his birthday, well maybe not cool, but this will be his first birthday in heaven. I am sure they will have a cake, he won't need the cake but I bet if he wanted one Jesus would make him a really good one." I pray every day that the Lord would hand me over to the child within me's faith, it is so much greater than this grown up shell I live in. The noises have subsided, the people are gone, our house looks like an arboretum (it smells like one too), and this fading world continues to spin around us. Different. Nothing is quite the same, as was to be expected. My dad's notice to renew his driver's license came in the mail two days ago, and his home health care called to confirm an appointment for the following day. I suppose they didn't get the memo or read the paper. We all kind of go in cycles: laughing, crying, cleaning, eating (and then we start over). The Lord has proven to be so faithful in giving His peace, His protection, and His presence in the days past as I am confident He will continue too in the days to come. As it is all still setting in, the sobering reality of heaven and hell are too. Heaven is a real place. Our God is a real God. He is just as real in the moments that I "feel" Him as He is in the moments that I don't. He is as certain as the air we breathe. There is nothing more real or certain than Him. I am always comforted when I think about this truth, and my dad is believing it and living it in a whole new way. Amazing. The blessing that Jesus gives in Matthew, "Blessed are those who have not seen and yet still believe," no longer includes him. He has SEEN and is SEEING in this very second. What am I doing today that would further me in this world rather than the inevitable real one to come? My prayer would be that we would "fix our eyes, not on what is seen, but on what is unseen; for what is seen is temporary and what is unseen is eternal." I love you all more then I ever could begin to convey. Please continue to pray for my family, as these new days have new joys, struggles, and hurts all their own. God is good. Blessings family...